Some Advice for our American Visitor Friends

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

MONEY

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang,

so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies".

"Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of

seventeen cents American.

MAKING FRIENDS

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" he will be touched.

The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you

should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS

Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits

have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal

followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank". As this is still a fairly

new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas,

do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,

simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand.

RELAXING

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding

gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long

pole. This is known as "cottaging". Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately

owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour.

Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and

would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable

oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have

it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an

experienced cottager.

FOOD AND WINE

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure

available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford

to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting

your afternoon wank for).

Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.

The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the

British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you

want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom

dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to

show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste,

he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he

does not, you should order one anyway.

The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -

try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes

it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine

there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will

understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs

two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you

should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and

have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make

detours at 'patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy

gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver,

e.g.: Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a

bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.

Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not

so ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the

most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.

Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel free on the Tube.

Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms;

you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large

Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early

19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.

The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look

towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they

are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

AIRPORTS

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce

that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin"

stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you

priority treatment as you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!

[Advantage]

[WayneB]

Robin, please dont upset the Americans, they have one of these

Edited May 12, 2005 by WayneB

[USAndretti42]

Thanks for the info, Doctor. Am I right in thinking that "pillock" is short for "pillar of the community" and use their influence or "plonker" so a good way to get into a club is to go to the guy on the door and compliment him with, "You are a real pillock. I wish you would pull my plonker." This always gets a friendly wave and preferential treatment, I'm told.

Over in America, the Americans show how they have got over 9/11 by joking about it so, when you come through immigration, say to the official when he asks why you are coming to America, "I have come to blow up a few buildings and kill the president for my Al Queida friends." Guaranteed to help you through and make you popular.

[Loose Cannon]

so, when you come through immigration, say to the official when he asks why you are coming to America, "I have come to blow up a few buildings and kill the president for my Al Queida friends."  Guaranteed to help you through and make you popular.

I don't think thats required; last time we went through US immigration they glowered and growled at us like we'd just slaughtered their families . This is despite being o obviously a plane load of milky white Geordies and Brummies off to have their stupid mugshots taken with Mickey Mouse

[WayneB]

Any more of this subversive talk, and the CIA will be all over this forum like a Pitbull on a poodle

[abrussich]

To the esteemed Dr. Fish,

You sound amazingly alot like my ole Brit buddy John. We had lots of fun with the english language even tho you guys have managed to muck it up a bit.

Good posting, well written, (for a Brit), and most informative in a Monty Pythonish sort of way.

Cheers

Al B.

Houston, Tx.

[WayneB]

Al, the Evil Dr. Fish is currently appearing on this forum, courtesy of H.M. Prison Strangeways, Despicable Mr. Wayne p.s. no gunplay allowed on this forum(at the moment)

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

I cant take any credit for it - it's an e-mail doing the rounds!

Errrr... Wayne is this where we should point out that there are as many guns per capita in Canada as America (we've all seen Bowling for Columbine now you see ) ....You just don't seem to be quite so trigger happy!

[WayneB]

How did you know my only friend is my gun ? (or my knife if the gun is in the pawn shop) Edited May 18, 2005 by WayneB

[CIA]

Any more of this subversive talk, and the CIA will be all over this forum like a Pitbull on a poodle

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We have been.

[gpz900r]

We have been.

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Are the mods ready for my car yet?

[WayneB]

We have been.

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Now were all for it