Psychiatric Hotline (funny)

[caulkhead68]

PMSFL!!!!!!!

<Falls off chair laughing!!!!>

PLEASE make my day and tell me that's true!!! (That you actually had the nads to tell a complete stranger that - not that you did the diet! )

PS... I think we can lock this thread now - NO ONE is going to top that!

Of course it was true B) ....

( Sorry I lied - i actually found the joke somewhere on the Big Wide Web..)

I wish I did have the "balls" to tell a complete stranger - but I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face

Matt

Edited September 27, 2006 by Evil_Dr_Fish

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

You're ruining it man - you're ruining it!! :D

[Alan Paterson]

Yesterday, I got a call from a woman with a foreign accent.

"Could you put me through to your sex machine?" she enquired.

As I was at work, I refrained from adjusting my nuts and saying, " You're talking to him, sweetheart".

What I did say was, " Are you sure you have the correct word"?

To which she replied, " Oh........ it could be fax".

A bit of an anti climax really.......

Alsn

[lrg_machine]

I was with a friend who was at the time working in a music shop, he gets a phone call from a laydeee who asks him when her violin will be repaired and if they have any rosin (stuff you put on the bow to make it screechy) any way, he says

"Your violin will be ready Thursday but we expect to get some rosin in on Friday so if you comes in then you can save yourself a virgin ! sorry did I say virgin I meant journey....Sorry ! Sorry !"

meanwhile I'm on the floor PSML .......

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

Blimey!!! No need guessing what was on HIS mind that afternoon!

[Guest Chelsea Martyn]

In recent news it has become clear that the spilt-up Macca is going through is without doubt... DIRTY!

A reporter asked the ex beatle if he would ever consider going down on one knee again?

To which he replied.. Maybe, but please refer to her as Heather!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

TWO LADIES CHATTING IN HEAVEN

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the

cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

[Tentenths]

Received this earlier today...

"A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said," That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers only: Please scroll down

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dim but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen."

Edited November 10, 2006 by Tentenths

[esprit22]

Wots big, red, and eats rocks?

[Tentenths]

Please tell me it's not a big red rock eater

[esprit22]

Please tell me it's not a big red rock eater

smart arse!!

[Tentenths]

Sorry Chris... was actually expecting a "What's black and red all over?" joke type answer!

Edited November 10, 2006 by Tentenths

[esprit22]

Sorry Chris... was actually expecting a "What's black and red all over?" joke type answer!

A news paper?

[Tentenths]

That's the fella

[esprit22]

okay, get this one: whats red and goes up and down?

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

A tomato in a lift

...that goes well with

"What's green and pear shaped?"

"What's brown and sticky?"

"What's red and invisible?"

and my personal old time, schoolyard favourite....

"What has eight legs and one eye?"

[esprit22]

A tomato in a lift

No, It's a strawberry in a lift.

[fflyingdog]

Sun burnt penguin.......................................enough enough

[esprits4de]

THIS is funny :

http://www.myvideo.de/watch/62901

The end says : need glases ? Your optrician....

[Guest Chelsea Martyn]

Bloke hears a knock at the door..

He answers and see a snail sitting on his mat...

"Please sir, could I have a small slice of lettuce?"

"F**CK OFF!" Says the bloke and chucks the snail down the garden.

3 weeks later he hears a knock at the door..

He answers it and see the snail, Snail says..

"Oy... What did you do that for?"

********************************

A police officer is chasing two gay guys down a dark alley.

He grabs one and says "When I catch your mate, I'l ram this truncheon up his @rse"

And a voice says "Yoo Hoo!.... I'm in the bin!"

********************************

Did you hear about the dyslexic, Aythiest, Insomniac?

He used to lie in bed awake at night wondering if there really was a dog

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

Extra funny with the comedy typo!

[Guest Chelsea Martyn]

I ventured into a pub last night and.. you know when something doesn't feel right?

It was a gay pub! So I said to this guy I was dancing with.. "Where are the toilets?"

He said "You can't go now!... We're in the finals"

I went into the toilet and there was a sign saying BEWARE OF POOFS!

I washed my hands at the basin, a sign above the mirror said BEWARE OF POOFS

On my way out there was a sign on the floor, I bent over to read it it said YOU'VE BEEN WARNED TWICE

********************************************************************************

******

A Man is on Stars in their eyes

Matthew Kelly says "Tell us about yourself".

Guy starts.. "Well Matthew I'm lucky to be here. Two years ago I had a car crash and I had a relitive with me who died, I lost my right arm, left leg 4 fingers, an ear and three toes.. It turned out that my relitive was a perfect match fo me and so they used his limbs to allow me to lead a normal life, and here I am today!"

Matthew says "That's an amazing story... Who are you going to be tonight?"

"Well tonight Matthew I'm going to be... Simon and Half-uncle"

[gghc87]

See Here

http://www.glcforum.com/esprit/forums/inde...msg&id=2433

Cliff

EDIT...............DOESN'T WORK SEE POST 78

Edited November 19, 2006 by gghc87

[Tentenths]

Eh? Link just produces an error message Cliff

Or was that the joke?

James

[Loteuk]

confused now!