Bureaucrats

[islandbloke]

[rant mode ON]

Regular will know that I bought the love of my life (Lottie) back last May after selling her when I was skint in 2002.

I live on the Isle of Man (halfway between Liverpool and Dublin and nowhere near France...) and we have our own government, currency and Post Office here, although to most intents and purposes we're pretty much like an offshoot of any North of England seaside town.

So the deal was I needed to re-register Lottie and put her on Manx licence plates. To do that, you have to put the car through a once-only Department of Transport vehicle inspection - so I took her to my local specialist here to give her a once-over. To my chagrin, he came up with a huge list of faults I SHOULD have spotted before I bought her, but I was so keen to be reunited I didn't bother.

So she went into the workshops and was away 5 months waiting for parts and lift time. I eventually got her back several thousands later in November and booked the test - which the bitch failed! Excessive oil leaks, split balljoint boot and a collapsed steering column UJ. So she went back in to the workshop in December, and was away THIS time for 7 months...

Got her back last week, and chanced a couple of laps of the famous TT course. Managed to get a cancellation at the DoT test centre yesterday and she passed. Happy days...

Of course, to get her re-registered and taxed I needed her documents - which I knew I'd put somewhere safe. Took 2 hours of panic before I found them somewhere else entirely. Took them and the test slip to the local Post Office this morning and chanced upon one of those execrable jobsworths that seem to breed specifically to pi55 people off!

Gave him the correct forms, all filled in, the insurance certificate, test slip etc. "Have you got the V5 registration" he asked. "No" said I "the DVLA in the UK never sent a new one since I'm now outside their jurisdiction, but I DO have the tear-off portion with all the relevant details that the previous owner sent me". "No good" he said "you'll need to get a 'permanent export' certificate from the UK authorities".

Now, the urgency of all this is that one of my daughters is getting married in 9 days, and has specifically asked me to take her to the wedding in Lottie (kid has taste!). So I phone the DVLA in Swansea, and after a dozen 'option list' prerecorded messages I finally got through to a semi-human, to whom I explained the problem. "How long will it take to get the export certificate to me" I asked, not unreasonably. "Two working weeks" she offered. "But with the post strike and the fact that you're offshore, it could take longer".

Michael Douglas had it right in Falling Down. If I had a shotgun or a couple of cans of napalm, I'd sort this 'challenge' out instantly - but that wouldn't get the bride to the wedding either. Thing is, ALL I want to do is pay the Government some money to tax my car and make it legal - but the world seems set against that. What's the worst that could happen - a master criminal could be driving legitimately??

No wonder there are so many people these days drive without licence, road tax or insurance... the whole system is bogged down by idiots making the whole process a pain in the 'arris! [/rant]

Edited August 22, 2007 by USAndretti42
Topic title spelling

[bigsi]

there is a quicker option but your not going to like it...

goto swansea, be there for opening get what you need same day then go home. otherwise you will be waiting ages for it im afraid as the dvla are blody useless lately and love blaming the post office so more people use thier website for stuff.

[gghc87]

See here

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Motoring/Buyin...icle/DG_4022582

and here

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directorie...cts/DG_10012974

Edited July 26, 2007 by gghc87

[esprit350]

last few times I have use the DVLA ie moving so changing adresss on all our V5's we have 4 cars, driving licence x 2, retention certificates x 2 they have been great, most back within seven working days or less

[islandbloke]

Thanks guys.

I downloaded and faxed the relevant VXXX form to Swansea from work yesterday morning with a begging letter explaining the urgency - let's just hppe a considerate human picks it up...I'm sure it's only a couple of minutes work for them.

The online search facility actually shows my car as being exported, and DPO filled the V5 change of owner details in when I bought her back...so fingers crossed!

BigSi - if I was on the mainland I'd do that without hesitation, but there's the Irish Sea in the way and no direct flights to Swansea.

[bigsi]

unless somene can do it here for you??? i dont mind driving to swansea for you but im not sure if thats allowed or not to have a representative apply there for you or not.

[Simon350S]

Same here mate.... i'd drive over, they r real good if you go in person, got a photo driving license next day.....!!!!

Unfortunately I'm on my back crippled with pain so your best option is simon or hope your fax does some good....

Good luck mate.....

Simon

[USAndretti42]

That wouldn't have anything to do with riding around on the bonnet of a car would it, Simon?

Know a car dealer that could lend you trade plates?

[islandbloke]

You Welsh guys rock - thank you for the offers of help!

My current plan is this. The wedding is just outside Manchester on Aug 11th and I'm booked on the ferry to Liverpool from here on the afternoon of Friday the 10th - so I've got two weeks. I'm going to retain a local (cherished at

[iainskea]

All the best of luck Stu, I hope you find a perosn with a heart to give you what you need before the wedding. :yes

...there has got to be a pic when you make it all happen!

Iain

[Simon350S]

Got their front desk direct number on my old mobile from when i sorted my license out.

No queues.....

No call handling or diversions....

Straight in.....

Hopefully I'll be home by Monday.... I'll fish it off my phone and send it to you....

Simon

[islandbloke]

Thanks Simon - I tried the number you gave me 10 days ago...and got all the 'press 1 to go mad' options, but a seemingly quicker route to a sub-human jobsworth. Explained the rush and was told in NO uncertain terms that queue-jumping was NOT allowed! I offered to pay money to expedite the free service, but you'd think I was offering her readies for a quickie down a Swansea back-alley...I even suggested I had a couple of friends locally who would be happy to attend in person - but was told that my application was 'in the system' and would have to wait in turn to be processed.

It's now 3 weeks and still no sign of the form - which must only involve a couple of mouse clicks to print off. Thank heavens for Photoshop...(see wedding thread, although I'm not pushing my luck at home until the bloody thing arrives).

[Setras]

Thanks Simon - I tried the number you gave me 10 days ago...and got all the 'press 1 to go mad' options, but a seemingly quicker route to a sub-human jobsworth. Explained the rush and was told in NO uncertain terms that queue-jumping was NOT allowed! I offered to pay money to expedite the free service, but you'd think I was offering her readies for a quickie down a Swansea back-alley...I even suggested I had a couple of friends locally who would be happy to attend in person - but was told that my application was 'in the system' and would have to wait in turn to be processed.

It's now 3 weeks and still no sign of the form - which must only involve a couple of mouse clicks to print off. Thank heavens for Photoshop...(see wedding thread, although I'm not pushing my luck at home until the bloody thing arrives).

repeatedly bash 0 then you will get put through to a human...... i think?

then tell them you have days to live

Edited August 15, 2007 by Setras

[andydclements]

repeatedly bash 0 then you will get put through to a human...... i think?

then tell them you have days to live

And they'll take the opinion, you only have a few days days left, if they rush, they can get it done in a couple of days, then 2-3 days to arrive in the post. then a few more days to do the registration work at yuor end. Well that's the few days gone, they're doing you a service by not letting you waste your last few days alive.

Andy

[islandbloke]

It's now almost 4 weeks and STILL no slip from Swansea, so Lottie is sitting on the driveway and gagging to be out on the sunny (this week anyway) and unrestricted Manx roads.

To save myself from spontaneously combusting, I've been thinking of writing them a complaint letter (once I have the piece of paper, obviously) - but a pal just forwarded this, which is the work of a genius:

Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....Taken from the Guardian, this is an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue.

=================================================================

Dear Mr. Green,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last communication as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".

This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".

More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point, whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fa

Edited August 22, 2007 by USAndretti42

[Bibs]

Brilliant

[Gasman GT3]

pure genius

[USAndretti42]

Do you think that was a computer-generated response or a circular?

Love it.

[Simon350S]

Read that before.... it really is fab.....

You cheered me up once again....

Simon

[Kimbers]

My mate sent me this one that was an official complaint to NTL:

"Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and

read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint

letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for

your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this

three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had

not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity

of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,

so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to

rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can

have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working

day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your

technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57

minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more

annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes

- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -

such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem

had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem

arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours

between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am

still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my

mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a

variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly

skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows

whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);

that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an

answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be

transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating

Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a

thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of

those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't

care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's

in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,

therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful

customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more

disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to

their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't

anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered

to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless

shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of

distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons

of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless

inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and

foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that

you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for

the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to

deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and

disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused

rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my

cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for

both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not

become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the

time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did

not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them

the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless

employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John"

[islandbloke]

Sorry to resurrect an old thread - but thought you'd be interested to know that Lottie is now FULLY LEGAL! The certificate from Swansea arrived a couple of days ago (exactly 6 weeks after faxing the application to them), so I took it to the post office and am now registered in the Isle of Man.

Funny denoument - told the post office clerk I wanted the annual tax disc to expire at the end of July 08 and she was reluctant to do it! Had to convince her that after running the car for a month on a 'tax in post' note it was only right and proper...

[esprit350]

you must be glad thats sorted, how much is road tax in the IOM these days, I remember coming over to see my cousins in he 70's and they were paying about

[islandbloke]

[esprit350]

oh not as cheap as it used to be then...presume you have to have a reg plate with MN or MAN or has that changed now?

[islandbloke]

No, still have to have MN in the registration - so I've got XMN 370.

... 69MAN, 8008MAN, 717MAN and all that other good stuff had already been snapped up by other VIZ readers...

Still have many completely derestricted roads though Howard, so it's not ALL bad!