LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[mayevora]

[Advantage]

Captain Kirk based fun.

[DaveC72]

[molemot]

After emigrating, eight year old Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammed returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammed?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was beaten up by two f*cking Muslims....."

I went for an interview for a Farrier's position. The man asked me if I'd ever shoed a horse. I told him no... but I once told a donkey to f*ck off.

The wife & I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on, broke down a few miles North of the capital. What a third world shit-hole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us & the Mrs stood out in her sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas. We are so dead I thought !!!

Anyway,Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station,
so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross & then catch our flight on to Kabul from Heathrow.


Ode To The Wombat

As you pound along the track
Eyes wide open and ears pinned back
You may have noticed those queer square turds
And thought if not expressed in words
The pain of such defecation
Baffles the imagination
But it ain’t done to entertain us
The wombat has an oblong anus
So if at night you hear pained cries
Outside your tent, feel no surprise
With eyes shut tight, teeth clenched with pain
A wombat’s gone and crapped again!




 An old Scotsman lies dying, his best friend by his side.

"Jock" says the old man - "come closer, now listen. In the press in the corner - ye ken which one - there's a bottle of 50 year old malt. I've been saving it but I'll n'er drink it now. When I'm lying in ma' coffin, would you pour it over me ? When nobody is looking ?"

"Aye" says his friend, "I'll do that. " He thinks a bit. "Well Angus" he goes on, "now would ye mind if I passed it through ma' kidneys first ?"


There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it ?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing – But Hell, enough about me, how are you doing ?"

 

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Scottish Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"




 

[Bibs]

[molemot]

14 hours ago, Bibs said:

And her vote is worth just the same as mine....or yours......(!)

[molemot]

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas – be safe out there.......

[molemot]

A cautionary tail....!!

 

 

Fridays With Freddy

An Open Letter to the Marketing Geniuses at The Orijen Pet Food Company

Dear Geniuses

A year ago this month, The Biped changed up my diet, replacing the usual slop to which I’d become accustomed with your delicious French-Canadian Cuisine. Specifically, your brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate Dog Food.”

I was immediately enchanted. The combination of “Wild-Caught, Regional Fresh and Salt-Water Fish” was inspired, and my palate rejoiced. Last week though, I noticed a subtle change in both consistency and taste. I couldn’t put my paw on it, but there was definitely something different. Still tasty, but not quite as mouthwatering. Then, several days later, the flatulence commenced.

I don’t want to overstate it, but the funk was simply astonishing. Not since my run in with the Mysterious Farting Cat http://mikerowe.com/2015/09/fwf-mysteriousfartingcat/ have I confronted a stench so vile. With each passing day, my aroma worsened, awakening The Biped on more than one occasion, and triggering my banishment from the boudoir. The burning discomfort was unexampled, and also worth a mention. Indeed, each salvo was so preternaturally hot that I became convinced my asshole was in danger of fusing shut with every putrid blast. To the Biped’s disappointment, it did not, and the scalding, rancid wind only intensified, filling the whole house with sulphur and corruption.

But, no matter how toxic they might become, the humiliation of a fart is finite; the betrayal of an untrustworthy sphincter is not. Day after day, my once proud turds were slowly reduced to small piles of yellow custard, as your delicious brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate Dog Food” began to exit my body with no warning whatsoever. My bowel movements - once the highlight of my daily sojourns - became a disappointing series of spasmodic and unpredictable mortifications, resulting in pathetic puddles of liquid scat The Biped deemed “canine yogurt,” and struggled mightily to recover.

Happily, the cause of my incontinence has now been identified. Are you curious?

Are you keen to know the source of my ignominy?

Relax - it is not your delicious brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate Dog Food.”

No...It is your slightly less delicious brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate CAT Food.”

That’s right - CAT FOOD!!!

Pictured here, are both products. As you can see, each bears an uncanny resemblance to the other. Both feature the exact same photo of a Canadian creek in the upper right hand corner. Both weigh exactly 2.27kg. Both use identical shades of red in the upper left, and both are dominated by a periwinkle hue. Aside from the words “dog” and “cat” in woefully inadequate fonts, both bags are nearly identical. Except that the bag on the left will make you shit like baboon with dysentery.

Look, accidents happen. Clearly, The Biped bought the wrong bag of food. And who knows, maybe the Pet Store People put it on the wrong shelf. But come on, Orijen - surely you can find another color to better differentiate between that which will sustain me, and that which will send my colon on a drunken sabbatical. Surely, you can make the words CAT and DOG somewhat LARGER than anything else on the BAG!!!

Otherwise, you might wish to include a role of duct tape with every purchase, so your less vigilant customers can tape their assholes shut.

Kind Regards,
Freddy

PS Yes, I noticed the creatures featured on the upper left hand corner of each bag. And yes, I suppose one might resemble a dog, and one might resemble a cat. But again, both resemble each other way too much. Both are the exact same color. And both appear to running downward in the exact same direction. To a bathroom, no doubt.

PPS Upon closer inspection, I see that your Cat Food cost four dollars more than your Dog Food.

Pourquoi?

[DaveC72]

How to offend four sets of fans in one simple meme:

 

[molemot]

An elderly golfer comes into the clubhouse after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: £5.00
HAMBURGER: £7.00
CHEESEBURGER: £8.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: £10
HAND JOB: £95.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile and purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear and says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

 

[molemot]

12 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
7: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
8: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
9: How long will it take after you put it in?
10: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
11: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
12: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

[molemot]

Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a gorgeous blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, she fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, ***k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Kimbers]

 

[molemot]

[DaveC72]

[DaveC72]

[molemot]

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

 

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the f*ck out of here!'

 

 

[mayevora]

Any interest? A friend of mine bought a ticket for the Premiership rugby final on Saturday and didn't realize that it was on the same day as his wedding so he cannot go any more. If you're interested, the girlfriend's name is Amy and the church is St. Thomas's. Everything is paid, you just have to show up. ?

[molemot]

Following a lengthy, and at times complicated, medical investigation I have finally been diagnosed as suffering from a fear of extensive and sometimes over-engineered buildings.

Yes, it seems that I have a complex complex complex complex.

[molemot]

Bill and Hillary were out on the campaign trail recently in the Chicago area when Bill was intrigued to see Hillary take a lot more time than usual with one guy in the crowd, hugging him and taking a whole ten minutes to talk to him. When she got back in the Suburban he asked her, "Who was that guy you were talking to?"

"He was my high school boyfriend. I even wanted to marry him, but we broke up when he wanted to date a cheerleader. They're married now; they have five kids; and he runs a gas station."

"So, if you hadn't married me, you'd be married to a guy who runs a gas station. You see?!!"

"No, if I'd married him, he'd have been President and you'd be running a gas station....."

[DaveC72]

Bimmer

[DaveC72]

Pokemon Go...

 

[molemot]

[andydclements]

I assembled a cat similar but slightly larger than that one when we adopted a rescue cat, cat's response - ignore it, and the cat igloo.

I then just used a few parts of the tree to put a seat on a pole, and it started using that. The rest is stored in the loft (my Great Niece tends to sit on the seat and so break it, hence needing spares), and whenever the cat goes into the loft, he investigates the box of spares.

[march]

3 hours ago, andydclements said:

 

I assembled a cat similar but slightly larger than that one

 

?????