Psychiatric Hotline (funny)

[Loteuk]

Classic Tommy Cooper !

1. Two blondes walk into a building..... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know

you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round. "The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls

flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

__________________

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a bj too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

If Only

[gghc87]

Cliff

[Tentenths]

Guy takes his Rotteweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

The vet picks up the dog and carefully examines his eyes, checks his teeth, and looks in his ears. After further deliberation he says, "I'm sorry I'm going to have to put him down."

"What, just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

Edited August 11, 2006 by Tentenths

[Jonathan]

Q:- How many DJ's (Martyn) does it take to change a light bulb ?

A:- One-two, one-two, two, two, one-two

I'll get me coat...

[gghc87]

1: Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

2: 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

3: If at first you don't succeed - skydiving is not for you

4: When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

Cliff

Edited August 11, 2006 by gghc87

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

'kin SUPERB!

[Loteuk]

Bloke in his local and orders a drink from the bar. He spots a notice on the end of the bar saying 'Talking Dog for Sale'

He asks the barman if he can see this talking dog and is pointed to a back room where the dog is working away on a computer.

As the bloke comes in the room he as astonished with the spectacle and asks 'the barman tells me you re a talking dog' ?

'Yes I am' replies the dog

'That s amazing but I see you re for sale'

'Correct' replies the dog

'Then why are you for sale' askes the bloke

'Well its like this', the dog replied, 'When I left the SAS on bomb duties I went to Heathrow and took employment as a sniffer at the Customs and Excise department, after a couple of years at that it stood me in good stead for a job in the Security Services. I left that job a few weeks ago and took a job here looking after the pub as a guard dog'

The bloke thought for a second and returned to the barman.

'That dog you have for sale........how much do you want for it' ?enquired the bloke.

'A tenner'!

'A tenner, is that all, why so cheap'?

Replied the Barman...........'cos the dog s a fkg liar !!!!

[Tentenths]

Seems to be a bit of a dog theme running at the moment, so...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral - sometimes bullshit and brilliance are the same!

Edited August 11, 2006 by Tentenths

[Loteuk]

On a roll with the animals....

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort

of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I

thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses

eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner

picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....

Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the

dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I

see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and

shoves his head deep inside the horses fanny . He holds him there for a

couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

[Tentenths]

What do you call a woman with absolutely nothing?

Ethel

[dodgy]

What do you call a woman with absolutely nothing?

Ethel

[Advantage]

Whispers: F all...y'know eff all, nuffink.

[dodgy]

[calvan]

There's this Irish bloke walking down the street with a small steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his trousers.

Finally, someone says "Excuse me, sir, do you that you have a steering wheel sticking out from the flyof your trousers?"

"Oi," he says, "and its driving me nuts!"

[Paul C]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he 'kneaded' a poo!

[Loteuk]

This bloke goes to the doctor with pains in his legs

Doctor tells him the bad news.

He s contracted a disease while on holiday in the Canaries and looking the disease up in the little used rare disease book the doctor concludes its the rare Yellow 24 disease.

Sorry says the doctor but you ve got only 24 hours to live.

Returning home to his wife the unlucky chap explains all about his yellow 24 desease and his 24 hours to live.

He asks her if they should go out on the town and celebrate his short life.

She is shocked as you would imagine because its Bingo night.

She convinces him to go along to the Bingo with him where they play the evening out.

On the first call the unfortunate man forgets his Yellow 24 disease for a while as his numbers hit all four corners and a round of applause from the Caller

A second call goes out as he gets a line

A third call goes out as he joins the diagonal.

At that point the caller announces that the countries bingo halls are playing together for the full house in one big pot. The crowds are linked by video for the BIG

[cbclotus]

An American goes on his hols to China and gets a bit carried away....... having sex morning noon and night and doesn't use a condom.Two weeks after returning to America he notices a rash of green spots on his willy.Alarmed he goes to his Dr and explains what he's been doing on his hols."I can't be sure but i think you have Mongolian Clap" exclaims the Dr,"It's very rare and there is no known cure i will have to operate and chop it off!"Horrified the American tells the Dr he will seek a second opinion.He goes to China and sees a Chinese Dr,pulls down his trousers and says what do you think of that"OOOOO wery ware form of Mongolian Clap" states the Chinese Dr.The American asks is there anything he can do as the American Dr wants to operate."Typical American,wants money,always money,no need to operate"!Replies Chinese Dr."Leave it two weeks it will drop off on it's own!!!!!!!!!'' Regards Mikes wife Melx

[Advantage]

This chap, we'll call him Tony ( ), went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".

"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

Tony says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with Tony, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why Tony's farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send Tony to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up Tony's mouth and examined it.

The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."

Tony says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc".....

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

Tony says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

[Tentenths]

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

<groan!>

I shall simply contribute some quotes from one of my favourite comedians as a kid - Emo Phillips

************************************

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. (Slade! )

My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'. (Slade! )

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. (Slade! :P )

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

[DanR]

Fishy, you're a sick man

A Frenchman, Italian and Aussie in a bar were arguing who made the best lovers.

Luigi said,

"We italians are the best lovas. When I make a love to my Maria I do such wondrous things with my fingers she rises one foot off the bed."

Marcel responded with,

"Non, we french are the best. When I make love to Bridgitte I lavish such attention with my tongue she rises two feet of the bed."

To which the aussie replied,

"mate, us aussies are the best. After I've made love to Marge I wipe my old fellow on the curtains and she hits the roof."

[Loteuk]

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES...

1) That's not right..........................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?............Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man................................Dum Gai

5) Small Horse...............................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?..................Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table..............Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here....................Wai So Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone..................No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile.............Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great....................................Fu Kin Su Pah

[DanR]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather

sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for

everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he

asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

"Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea."

[oneshot]

The following are actual requests received by UK local council departments:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore

It's his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

[Tony K]

The following are actual requests received by UK local council departments:

HOLY SHIT I'M LAUGHING SO HARD MY RIBS HURT!