LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[arbell9]

Now this is a man's BBQ!!!!

BBQ RULES :

We'll be entering the BBQ season in a few months. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed

' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed

reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[Simon350S]

Sounds about right Alex

I'll be organising The Welsh Area Team Support annual summer BBQ fest before too long and I will be looking for you to personally ensure all the above rules are adhered to!

Thankyou in advance

[saggitarius]

-The phone rings

((( ring )))

(((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))

***pick up***

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well,I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimmingpool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says :

"Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"

[Boots]

PMSL

[theelanman]

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[saggitarius]

What an accurate description these scientists have made og this heavy element!

The only small part they have not mentioned in their otherwise exact observations is that the Governmentum have a built in filter, that only allows outgoing processes and not incoming ones. That way the Governmentum is totally unaffected by every process anywhere in the world.

[Iconic Ride]

And let us not forget gravitonium with its ultrastrong attractive force upon fermionic incomeonium mediated via ubiquitous bosonic taxonium particles. In forming a Bose-Einstein condensate of massive proportions, the end product begins to immediately decay into wasterium and porkbarrelium, each made up of perks and quirks of several flavors.

[redshift]

[ramjet]

Was going to start a new topic but then thought this probably should go in here.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Click Here

And in keeping with Pete's clip of the dog and co, try this one on. It is highly recommended that you do not have anything in your mouth.

[ChrisH]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech telecommunications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Advertiser in Buckie, Scotland, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie Braes, Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

Makes a man proud to be a Scot! Here's tae us - Wha's like us ?

[Bibs]

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece

^ The story isn't funny, the name of the reporter is though!

[Bibs]

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had outsince he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds,my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to re-activate the Third Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off,then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture -you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

[Kimbers]

I sent this this morning to Tescos complaint department.

Good morning

RE: Bacon complaint

Your 16 Unsmoked Backbacon Rashers (product code 051140 356514) has been the most frustrating and annoying purchase I have made and totally unsatisfactory.

Firstly, no where does it say that they are thin sliced. From the initial shop view they look ok and a reasonable cut. In removing them one at a time....well one piece at a time as they were stuck together and as you tried peeling them away they just fell apart, you get to see just how thinly sliced they were. They would make Lindsay Lohan look obese.

The fat on the side looks a reasonable cut but as it changes to meat on each slice I believe the cutters were having a competition as to who could cut the thinnest slice and keep it looking like a slice of bacon. They utterly failed, as wafer thin slice after wafer thin slice simply fell apart as I tried to remove it.

Cooking it was virtually impossible as I just ended up with a grill full of little bits. So I attempted to fry them and simply ended up with a pile of mush. Eating them was interesting as what was left was so thin it dissolved on your tongue. Putting tomato on them made for an interesting bacon flavoured tomato sauce....maybe I have found their intended use inadvertantly?

If I had wanted parma ham I would have bought it and believe me when I say your bacon would have made the parma ham look like doorsteps!

I have always attempted to be fair. Hey! If I bought Tescos Value range then I might have expected it but this truely was the worst bacon based experience of my life .

I may find another use for the bits left over as replacement windows as they are so thin as to be translucent! Now just to figure out how to remove them from the packet without turning them into miniscule bits of mush!

Yours faithfully

Tony Kimberley

[gghc87]

Thought this was quite funny and clever

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2 .To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

[bingoking]

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND

PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

[ramjet]

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes

She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes

The Cock Inn

ERBUM

Tillet, Herts.

Probably not real, but if it is I hope Linda is not a member on here.

Edited June 21, 2010 by ramjet

[SE Owner :-D]

My wife's so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was finishing.

A man's wife hits him acrossthe head.Hes says "whats that for"She says "Ifound a piece of paper in your pocket with sexy sarah written on it"

Quick as a flashhe says "thats the name of the horse i bet on you silly cow"she apologises.

A week later she hits over the head with a frying pan. He says,

"What the f**k was that for"?She replies,

" Your f***ing horse phoned"

Edited August 9, 2010 by SE Owner :-D

[Petrol feet driven]

Pick the one you like the best..

1. How do you double the price of a skoda?

Fill up the tank

2. Why do skodas have heated rear windscreens?

To keep your hands warm while your pushing it.

3. Have you got a wing mirror for a skoda?

Okay, seems like a fair swap

4. What do you call a skoda driver who say's he has a speeding ticket ?

A Dreamer

5. How do you increase the value of a skoda?

throw a penny in it.

6. What do you call a Skoda with a sun roof ?

A skip

7. Ive just bought the new 16 valve Skoda .......4 in the engine, 12 in the radio! (If you understand this and your under 40 then you need to get out more)

8. What is the difference between being inside Jessica Alba's ra and being caught inside a Skoda ? You feel a bigger tit in a Skoda !

9. What do you call a Skoda at the the top of a hill ?

A miracle.

10. How do you overtake a Skoda ?

Run

11. What is the difference between a school and a Skoda?

Schools breaks up and a Skoda breaks down

12. Why is a skoda and a baby similar?

They both never go anywhere without a rattle

13. How come the Skoda crossed the street?

It was supposed to be going along it but the steering failed

14. What do you call a Skoda with a really long radio aerial?

A bumper car

15. What colour shall i get my skoda in?

It doesn't matter, it'll go brown through rust after a week

16. How do you make a policeman laugh?

Tell him your skoda just got nicked

17. I bought the top spec skoda, this one came with an engine.

18. Tom: 'I was gonna buy a passat but I bought a mondeo instead'

Harry: 'I was gonna buy a skoda but i bought a bike'

19. How do you make a skoda more sporty?

Wear adidas trainers while driving it.

20. Whats the difference between stress and a skoda?

Stress makes you have a mental breakdown.

[Bibs]

Perhaps 15 years ago.

Things have moved on for Skoda, they win pretty much every award going nowadays.

[lotus4s]

You know how you can tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she starts fitting in your wife's clothes.......

[Boots]

A married couple answer the doorbell to find a bald gnome holding a mirror "This is a magic mirror" says the bald gnome.

He hangs it on the front door and offers to demonstrate it. Rubbing his head, the gnome days, "Mirror, mirror on the door make me hairy as before." With a flash the gnome has a full head of hair. Impressed the couple buy the mirror, take it into the bedroom and hang it on the bedroom door.

First the woman goes up to the mirror, rubs her boobs and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bosoms forty four." There's a flash and instantly she has forty four inch bosoms.

The husband is terribly excited - he rushes to the mirror, rubbing his willy furiously, and shouts, "Mirror, mirror on the door make my willy touch the floor."

There is a huge flash of light

and

instantly his legs dissapear.

[SE Owner :-D]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.

'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I sha**ed on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my a**e?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

[lrg_machine]

I got a sweater last week!

It was nice.........

But I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner!

[molemot]

The Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and

Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort

with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his

7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --

just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad

cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to

the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her

Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a

single arsehole, blind b*stard, dip sh1t or w*nker anywhere we went today!'

[ramjet]

Subject: It's funny 'cause its true.

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.