LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[ramjet]

BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story

of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,

"well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said,

"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,

The man on the ledge

did a swan dive off the building,

falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,

but willingly handed her £20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,

"I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,

so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,

"I did, too,

but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

_________________________________________

Australian weather forecasting

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like, nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the reservation, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[bingoking]

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and

the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and

everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is

driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on

the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in

order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bills at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs

to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the

local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times

and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller come down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works!

[Loteuk]

Paddy - 'Christmas is on a Friday this year'

Mick - 'Hope its not the 13th'

[temple]

Paddy`s wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm.

The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex.

Paddy refused to pay money for a fan, and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love,

but still she didn`t have an orgasm.

Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over,and so Paddy`s mate made love to her, and after 20 minutes

of the best mind blowing sex she`d ever had, she orgasmed.

Paddy looked at his mate and said ......

"and that, my old son, is how to flap a fu*king towel"

[Petrol feet driven]

While driving down the road in my Lotus I saw this very pretty woman. So I pulled over,and said. "Hi my names Bond!" she says,''oh go on, dont tell me its JAMES'' I said ''No its UNI, i,m here as I very good at filling cracks?

[Loteuk]

Englishman - my son was born on St George s day so we called him George

Scotsman - my son was born on St Andrews day so we called him Andrew

Paddy - my son was born on Shrove Tuesday so we called him Pancake........

[GordonMasson]

While talking to the Queen, Prince Williams new fiancé Kate Middleton was asking for some advice.

"What is the secret to a long and happy relationship?"

The Queen replied....."Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!"

[lotus4s]

Ouch

[rogerch]

Edited January 1, 2011 by Roger the Dodger

[Laura]

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[rogerch]

[Kimbers]

Its an actual film but the trailer is just hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pnh8pEKLh7g

[Bibs]

[gghc87]

Its an actual film but the trailer is just hilarious.

PMSL

[mangel]

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular

' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.

[mayevora]

What do you call an Aussie who can handle a bat? - A Vet!

[rogerch]

Ho ho ho,

[pete]

what do you call an aussie with 100 runs against his name? A bowler

[alan]

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of bubbly? A waiter

WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?

A laughing stock.

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.

They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?

A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’

Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”

Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?

The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?

He forgot it was chained to his foot.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.

His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”

What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?

Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

The entire Australian innings.

What’s the Australian version of LBW?

Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?

Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?

A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?

A vacant lot.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?

At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

[wookiecj]

THE correct insurance companies for sex ........

SEX with your wife –Legal & General

SEX with your future wife-Mutual Trust

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union

SEX on the telephone- Direct line

SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy

SEX in a hurry- Insure & go

SEX with your boyfriend –Standard Life

SEX with a transvestite- Confused. com

SEX with some one different - Go compare. com

SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat. com

SEX with a fat bird - More Than

SEX on the back seat – Sheila's wheels

SEX with an o.a.p- Saga

SEX with a posh bird – Privilege .com

SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

[Petrol feet driven]

SEX with a Sailors wife - Admiral

[ramjet]

A Saskatchewan guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a

plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor

"She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p1$s in your eye.

____________________________________________

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me t' the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heater off while I'm out.'

____________________________________________

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[GordonMasson]

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Forth Road Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[mayevora]

  

As a trucker stops for a red light on the A52 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and, as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the road. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,........... 

 

 "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the gritter......."

 

[wookiecj]

From The Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1.. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7.. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

Edited January 31, 2011 by wookie