LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[molemot]

Subject: Politically correct, me hearties!!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

.

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

.

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's

the meaning of this?"

.

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

.

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his duty,

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or

disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"

.

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the

censors,lest it be considered racist."

.

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

.

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free

working environments."

.

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main

brace to steel the men before battle."

.

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking."

.

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..full

speed ahead."

.

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water."

.

Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest

please."

.

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

.

Nelson: "What?"

.

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And

they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone

up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

.

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

.

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

.

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

.

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

environment for the differently abled."

.

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even

to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by

playing the disability card."

.

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the

areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

.

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

.

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let

the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing

in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

.

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the

men to stand by to engage the enemy."

.

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

.

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

.

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged

with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid

lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

.

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

.

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

.

Nelson: "We're not?"

.

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners

now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

.

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

.

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying

that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary enquiry."

.

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

King."

.

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

.

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,

sodomy and the lash?"

.

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment."

.

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

.

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

.

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Roger 912]

Pirate walks into his local after pillaging on the high seas for a year and the barman greets him and says "You don't look to good Bart, what happened to your leg?" Bart replied "Oh that got shot off with a canon ball and the ships carpenter made me a peg leg" Barman asks "and what happened to your hand". Bart replies, "Oh that, lost my hand in a sword fight and had a hook fitted to the stump". Barman asks "and your eye patch?". Bart says, that was nothing, a bird dropping fell in it". Barman asks "how did a bird dropping make you lose your eye?". Bart says "I was still getting used to the hook"

Scottish pal of mine got married in the 1950's and being a canny Scot, he decided that every time he made love to his wife he would put $10 in piggy bank. Over the years the piggy bank was so full he opened a bank account and kept putting all the money into the bank. As with inflation, he yearly upped his contribution each time, but said nothing to the wife.

The money kept piling up and he had enough to purchase a house on the other side of the street to where they lived and he rented it out. Time went by and his bank account went up and up and eventually he purchased another house on the opposite side of the street. He could not go wrong.

After 50 years of marriage he owned every property on the other side of the street and on their 50th wedding anniversary, he took his wife to the front driveway and told her, "Through our making love and me putting money away each time, we now own all of the houses on the other side of the street. Had it not been for your headaches, we could have owned all the houses on this side of the street as well!".

Edited August 22, 2009 by Roger 912

[ramjet]

Well I'm back after a bit of time off after our computer died and have finally bought a new one and a laptop for the esprit.

Anyway, my return joke

Little Johnny is at school ad the teacher is teaching the children about where babies come from. The teacher tells the children that when a man and woman meet and fall in love, a while after that the stork brings them a baby.

Little Johnny is sitting down the back of the class looking quite confused, so he puts up his hand to ask a question.

The teacher sees him and asks him what he wants.

Little Johnny says "Miss I think you have your birds mixed up"

The teacher asks why Johnny thinks that.

Little Johnny replies "My sister Fran just had a baby and when mum asked her where it came from, Fran said from a SHAG on the beach"

[Bibs]

[Bibs]

^ Those are the results of the ten funniest jokes at the Edinburgh fringe, rubbish aren't they!

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090824/tuk-h...ge-6323e80.html

Anyway, Cyanide & Happiness makes me LOL all the time...

http://www.explosm.net

[garry_ludwar@hotmail.com]

whats better than roses on your piano

tulips on your organ

[rogerch]

Leaving home Edited August 26, 2009 by USAndretti42

[ifly]

Priceless Roger

[USAndretti42]

Today I read a quote from Peter Sellars. "You only know what happiness is once you're married. But then it's too late."

[FrogsterPL]

+

Edited September 2, 2009 by FrogsterPL

[Roger 912]

Three golfers were mourning the loss of their fourth partner for their weekly foursome and they approached a new fellow at the club house to see if he would become their fourth. The fellow willingly accepted their offer to play every Sunday at 9 o'clock but said that he may, from time to time, be 10 minutes late.

The next Sunday, the four of them arrived punctually and they noticed that their new partner was playing left handed and what a player. He was scratch around the course and they were stunned at his play.

The following Sunday, the four teed off and they were amazed to see their new partner playing right handed, but once again, playing scratch.

Back at the club house, their curiosity got the better of them and the one asked, "Last week you played well left handed and this week you played well right handed, What gives". The new player confided, "Well, when I wake up I look and see what side my wife is lying on. If she is on her right side it is an omen for me to play right handed and if she is on her left side, then I know I will play well with my left handed clubs".

The one player enquires "and what if she is lying on her back". "Ah" replies the newcomer, "That is when I may be 10 minutes late'.

[Roger 912]

Chap walking through town sees this lovely clock in a totally bare shop window. As he likes the clock he goes in the shop and a man comes out from the back to assist him.

"I would like to purchase the clock in the window, how much is it?"

The clock is not for sale comes the reply.

"What sort of shop is this that does not sell what it displays?"

The man replies "I am a Mohel, I cut off foreskins, vot you vant I should put in my shop vindow"

[davegtst]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.

During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said

[rogerch]

Being Australian

is about driving in a German car

to an Irish pub

for A Belgian beer,

then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry

or A Turkish kebab,

to sit on Swedish furniture and

watch American shows

on a Japanese TV.

Oh and....

Only in Australia ...

can a pizza get to your house faster

than an ambulance

Only in Australia ...

do supermarkets make

sick people walk all the way

to the back of the shop

to get their prescriptions

while healthy people

can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ...

do people order double cheeseburgers,

large fries and

a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ...

do banks leave both doors wide open

and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ...

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars

in the driveway and

lock our junk and cheap lawn mower

in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION....

A massive 543 Aussies

were admitted to Emergency

in the last two years

after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull

whilst throwing up into the toilet.

It's good to ne British!

[Jonathan]

http://www.break.com/index/bike-stunt-fail-with-nutshot.html

Same with the running over the car trick (a la jackie chan) has anyone actually tried it and not ended up in A&E ?

[rogerch]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake.

[Jonathan]

http://www.break.com/index/ninja-cat.html

http://www.break.com/index/return-of-the-ninja-cat.html

uber cute puddy cat, but that's eery how well he can pause movement

[Paul C]

Ace mate!

Will show vic tomorrow when she gets home (have just got in from the pub so late i'll be taking the day off!).

[Boots]

This is who I want to grow up to be.

[molemot]

Sue, that's a true classic...well spotted...I'm still laughing!!

[mayevora]

Funniest thing I've seen in ages Sue!

[shawty_82]

Anybody else like phonejacker? It was kinda love/hate for me, half of it was hilarious, the other half....well, it just wasn't lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ua-7YpUtPA

[bingoking]

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[andydclements]

Same here. I did think it's a pity the bus wasn't a lorry with an annoyed driver, just smack the f****r off the road.

[molemot]

Culled from Pprune....!!

The horror of blimps

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating.

I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living room and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraith-like over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of its noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke.

That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.