Psychiatric Hotline (funny)

[MKE40]

HOLY SHIT I'M LAUGHING SO HARD MY RIBS HURT!

The simplest are so often the best !

Mike

Ditto ,..Larfin

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=AZ-l...x9AzZPz_69BHQTU

[Loteuk]

The Blonde

A young blonde woman in Portsmouth was so depressed that she decided to end

her life by throwing herself from the Round Tower.

She went down to the tower and was about to leap into the

frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the

edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.

I'm off to Australia in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away

on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll

keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

Perhaps a fresh start in Australia would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of

fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by

the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"

she explained

"I get food and free passage to Australia, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Gosport Ferry. "

__________________

[Tony K]

This was an email that was forwarded to me:

This is so true! They always ask, at the doctor's office, why you are

there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's

embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who

insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other

patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way

this old guy handled it.

An 86-year - old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he

approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you

seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist

became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's

Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong

with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the

Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of

others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[mayevora]

Brilliant!!!

[Tentenths]

The following are supposedly replies on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's name details.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by <full name>. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at <full address> where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at <address>, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Loteuk]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail

through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole

family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way

with a gift cheque for

[Tony K]

NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK, SMALL CHILDREN, ETC. ****or a motoring forum**** Bibs

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

I personally have no problem with that...

[superdavelotus]

A man started a new job at a lighthouse and said to the owner 'don't you get bored doing this job day in. day out?'

The lighthouse keeper replied 'Of course not, on Monday's, we work til lunchtime then we plays cards in the afternoon'.

The man says 'I don't like cards'.

The lighthouse keeper replies 'well on Tuesday's we work til lunchtime then we play dart all afternoon'.

The man replies 'I don't like darts'.

Then lighthouse keeper then says 'well on Wednesday's, we work til lunchtime then we get a cask of ale and a few hookers from the island!'

The man replies 'I don't drink and I don't like women'.

The lighthouse keeper says 'You're not gay are you?'

The man replies 'no'.

The lighthouse keeper replies 'well you won't like Thursdays then!!!'

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

HAHAHAHAHA! to both the last 2 jokes

[Loteuk]

HAHAHAHAHA! to both the last 2 jokes

deserves a vote???

[Kimbers]

A man notices that his wife has seemed to be acting stange recently and takes her to the doctors.

The doctor examines her fully and asks the man to come into his office where they can talk privately.

"Listen" says the doctor, " Your wife is very ill, she either has Aids or Altzheimers"

The man asks "What do I do?"

"Well" says the doctor "take her for a drive in the car to the other side of town, ask her to get out of the car and then drive home"

"what then?" says the man

The doctor replys "If she comes home for gods sake dont F*ck her!"

[superdavelotus]

Tony,

I'll let you have that one as Iam not the one for telling jokes! I can never remember the punchline!

A 71 pensioner told me that joke about a week ago. I didn't laugh. He asked me 'was that not funny? Everyone's else I've told has been in stitches'. I told him that I was busy trying to remember the joke and punchline and forgot to laugh at the end!

[rens914]

A manager to his employee :

my secretary f**ks a lot better than my wife

the employee :

i can't really agree on that

[Advantage]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating

table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!

Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.

Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at

the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all

wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no

heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are

interchangeable."

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

[Tony K]

GKP -- HOLY S**T I'M LAUGHING SO HARD AT THAT ONE!

[rens914]

man it's difficult to translate a yoke

here are 2 housewife yokes

My marridge is like a fairytale

when i come home the witch is sitting next to me on the couch

in holland the word love can mean loving somebody or keeping something

the first sentence is loving and the second is keeping

when i first met my wife she loved (kept) a lot of me

now she's loving (keeping) all of me

when i first met her she was so georgous I could eat her up

now after 25 years i can only say : Why didn't i

I really like my mother in law

i have even bought her a piece of ground

but

she doesn't want to get in to it

Edited September 25, 2006 by rens914

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

I can safely say the last two translate just fine!

[edit] Actually... so does the first!

[rens914]

lately i am in the same position as you guys

i have a very small dick

it was a lot bigger

but

it was 50 cm

i went to my dokter and he recommended to go to fairyland and ask the witch to marry me

he said : she will say NO and immediatly take 10 cm off the lenght of your dick

so i went once

i was still stuck with 40 cm

i went twice

i was still stuck with 30 cm

i went the third time

and she got angry

she said: how many times do i have to tell you ! NO NO and again NO

[Loteuk]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too," and drives off.

__________________

[caulkhead68]

I have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Winalot Complete at Tesco and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Winalot Complete Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, the woman was not however. Horrified, she asked if I'd been hospitalized because I was poisoned.

I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

[DanR]

Matt I cacked myself with that one

[Evil_Dr_Fish]

PMSFL!!!!!!!

<Falls off chair laughing!!!!>

PLEASE make my day and tell me that's true!!! (That you actually had the nads to tell a complete stranger that - not that you did the diet! )

PS... I think we can lock this thread now - NO ONE is going to top that!