One liners

[Kimbers]

I just posted a one liner in another post and it made me think about my faves. I don't know about you but when me and my mates get together we tend to quote them at each other all night and much merryment ensues! Sometimes!

So here are some of mine:

Monty Python & the Holy Grail: (in a french accent) I fart in your general direction! You and your Engleesh Kerniggets! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Go boil your bottom under a silly person!

Black Adder: I'm in love my manservant.....Well pop him on the table and we'll take a look at him! No! my servant/manservant you quack!......Well it's better than being a duckie!

Or that classic: Thats strange milud I have a thingy shaped like turnip! or another classic Baldric "Oh I'm sorry Baldric did that hurt?" (When black adder hit him in the leg with an arrow). "No thats ok my lud, by a one in a million chance it hit me in the willy!.....Well it must be your lucky willy then.........Indeed my lud when I'm older I'll tell my grandchildren all about it!

Have a permanent smile on my face now!

[molemot]

Goon show...."Navigator! What's our position?"...."Desperate!!!"

"Eccles - they're making me a peer!!" "Right - I'll get down the end of it and start a concert party!"

"Quick - hide in this wardrobe and pretend to be a suit!" "I'll be a morning suit, then I can get the afternoon off!!"

"Captain, sir, they're heaving to!" "Well, don't just stand there, heave two back at them!!"

Oscar Wilde is a good source..."If this is how Her Majesty treats her prisoners, she doesn't deserve to have any!"

And after he had uttered some bon mot or other, somebody said "Oh, Oscar, I wish I'd said that!!" to which Wilde replied: "You will, dear boy, you will....!"

[gghc87]

Bernard Shaw was talking to a very wealthy society Lady at a diner function. In conversation he asked her if an incredibly handsome man offered her a large sum of money to go to bed with him if she would do so.

The lady replied that she might. Shaw then asked if an incredibly ugly man offered her a shilling to go to bed with him if she would.

At this point the lady in question became quite disturbed and offended.

[GordonMasson]

Lady Astor: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"

Winston Churchill: "And if I were your husband I would drink it."

Bessie Braddock:

Edited August 10, 2007 by GordonMasson

[Setras]

I have a whole book of one liners of which my favourite is

Zsa Zsa Gabor "I've never hated any husband enough to give back the diamonds"

but loved the Prince Charles interview in which he states "It is not a fact that one is royalty, just that ones mother is the Queen"

[Jonathan]

Churchill was a great wielder of language, I saw a book once of his sayings and wish I'd have bought it.

"Don't dictate to me about the Navy ! It's all just Rum, sodemy and the lash !"

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."

I often coin the phrase :

"give us the tools, and we will do the job"

Although he came out with some great sayings he also came out with some rather less impressive ones...on Palestine...

"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time."

[Alan Paterson]

Can't remember who said this, but it was on an American Sitcom - they have great writers.

"Would you like a glass of water to wash your foot down with?"

Another one from 'High Plains Drifter'

Clint Eastwood has been in town for 5 minutes and in that time has shot 5 men, insulted everyone and sha***d the town tart.

The girl gives him a string of abuse.

He looks her up and down and says:

"Your feet, Ma'am, are almost as big as your mouth".

Now why can't I come up with lines like that?

Alan

Just remembered another.

"I was upside down in the Bond bug and I woke up feeling very cold. It was petrol running up my nose.

Anyway, that kind of got my attention..........."

MJK

And I was absolutely gutted that I couldn't slot that story into the Club Lotus film.

Maybe save it for a 'What was Colin Chapman really like' film.

Alan

[mayevora]

Comical one but always makes me laugh.

Trigger - "This brooms had 17 heads and 14 new handles"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSmSTpRUeLs

[iainskea]

My Director General said to me: "Iain, as a staff officer, you are a great SENGO" (completely different roles).

...thanks...I think...

Iain (now back in engineering)

[lrg_machine]

Some Favs

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Frank: "You are what you eat!"

Marie: "Someone get him his order of miserable bastard."

"Zeds' dead baby! Zed's dead......."

[DanR]

Economy advisor to Truman,

"On one hand the economy could improve but on the other hand it could go down."

The president,

"Get me an economist with three hands."

[rens914]

- My dog was more active than you.....and..... he's dead for about five years now

- did you eat your arm pit

- always look for the balancing waight (von Clausewits)

- never look at problems. allways look at what's causing them

- dont put energie in things you cant change but save it for things you can influence

- a reasonable person try's to adjust to the world. a unreasonable person try's to adjust the world to himself. that's why progress depends on unreasonable people

- work a bit harder than people expect you to. before you know everybody expects more from you every day

- in opposite of every action is an equal amount of criticism

- the way to get the closest to your youth is to make the same mistakes again

- nothing is a bigger burdon than potential

- if you like what you are doing you are probably doing it wrong

- only the first dog in line has the sight

- i do research when im not sure what im doing

- a rumour only gets credibility when it gets denied

- to be a crook has it's limits but stupidity hasn't

- people believe everything that gets wispered

- gather all the facts first and then twist them round the best way you can

- a good planning is no substitute for dumb luck

- nothing is safe for a talented idiot

gr Rens

Edited August 11, 2007 by rens914

[Artie]

love your kids, not your stuff. Cause your kids are gonna destroy your stuff!

Artie

[Kimbers]

Woody Allen is the king of one liners. Try some of these:

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am at two with nature.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

[DanR]

There are those who make things happen.

There are those who watch things happen.

There are those who wonder what happened.

[USAndretti42]

Wasn't it Woody Allen who said, "When I die I want to come back as Warren Beatty's fingers."

I like Steve Wright's (no, not the Radio 2 disc jockey) take on the universe. Here's a few samples.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Sometimes I put a blank tape into the cassette and turn up the volume to maximum. Drives the mime next door nuts.

Groucho Marx was another one-liner star.

Time flies like an arrow. Frout flies like a banana.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

[brado]

From Airplane the movie

"we have to get this man to a hospital"

"what is it"

"its a big building with patients, but thats not important right now"

To the wife (im out of hospital soon)

Wife "whats on Telly"

Me "dust"

Wife "I want to go somewhere ive never been"

Me " try the Kitchen"

[esprit22]

Black adder: "Am I pleased to see you, or is there a canoe down my trousers!"

[Kimbers]

Also Black adder:

Old Crone: " 2 things you must know about the wise woman! 1. She is wise, 2. She......."

Black Adder: ".......is a woman?"

Old Crone: "You do know her then!"

Black Adder: "Nope, it was just a wild stab in the dark, which is what you're going to get if you don't get outta my way!....here's a bag of monies.....which I'm not going to give you!"

Love old slack bladder

[punky]

Richard Burton was at a party someplace fancy, when he was approached by a southern oil tycoony Texan-type, who drawled something along the lines of "Why Mr Burton, you and I have something in common! I too am a 'Selt'."

To which Sir Richard replied, "You are mistaken. I am a *Celt*. And you, sir, are a sunt."

[Gasman GT3]

Dads Army, German Officer "your name will also go in the book, what is it?" Mainwaring "Don't tell him Pike"

and remember falling never killed anyone, it's hitting the ground that does the damage.

[WayneB]

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the war room"

Peter Sellers as Merkin Muffley in Dr. Strangelove