LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Splodge s4]

Following the success of the west yorkie police in finding Shannon Mathews, the Portuguise police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed.....

& one more:

After her success in the junior UK hide & seek championships, Shannon Mathews will now try her luck abroad by taking on the current european champion, Maddie McCann.....

[punky]

I was over some friend

[GordonMasson]

A recent study found the average Scot walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means we're averaging about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be Scottish.

Spot the Easter Bunny !

[Setras]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.'

One week later, The Kerrymen, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, self-taught archaeologist Paddy O'Toole reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

[redshift]

Girl arrives at shop checkout and empties her basket:

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 apple

1 orange

1 plum

1 grapefruit

1 tomato

1 lettuce

1 baking potato

1 samosa

1 muesli bar

1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder.

As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?"

"Because you're ugly"

[Setras]

Special Advice for Rog aka se owner, as a father to be

[GordonMasson]

Driving Test Question

This question has just been added to the DRIVING THEORY test.

There is only one answer, but be careful now!

You are driving along a two lane road with a NO PASSING sign,

and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider

for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

Why take unnecessary risks

ARRIVE ALIVE !!

Edited March 21, 2008 by GordonMasson

[GordonMasson]

The Perfect Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Kimbers accidentally-dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Kimbers upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Kimbers went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Kimbers courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you

[mayevora]

painful

http://s194.photobucket.com/albums/z69/may...urrent=1141.jpg

[Kimbers]

Nice thanks......gone from a great image (Gordons joke) to that......

[V8 Owners Fem Slave]

found these on another site, made me giggle

"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair." -Thom Sharp

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." -Bette Midler

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are missing.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

[gghc87]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you

Edited April 2, 2008 by gghc87

[Bibs]

[USAndretti42]

Someone sent me some Tommy Cooper jokes today, nice and simple and right up my alley so here we go.

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and said, "Does this tast funny to you?"

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli yesterday. A strong current pulled him in.

Two aerials fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom, boom!

[Atle]

Allegedly a true story,

back in the 70's President Nixon hosted a rather large official dinner in Washington; guest of honour President Charles de Gaulle of France.

Well into the main course, Nixon asks de Gaulle: - "May I ask your excellency what, in your opinion, is the most important thing in life?"

After some deep thought, de Gaulle answers with his serious grumbly voice; "I zink....., ze most important zing in life-a eez a penis".

There followed some coughing and uneasy writhing in seats when Nixon bent over, smiling sheepishly and said "uh...sorry, did not get that...must be my cold...what I wanted to ask you was, what do you believe is the most important thing in life........?

President De Gualle raises his voice and repeats, "Yes-uh....., I sincerely believe zat ze most important zing in life eez-uh infact-uh a penis".

This time chairs are scraping and guests loose their forks while President de Gaulle' s wife leans over and whispers in his ear: "My dear Charles, I think the correct pronunciation is Happiness....

[mayevora]

On a similar theme - Mod away if you need to, but it is funny

[oneshot]

I have a friend who used to work in an A&E department who told a similar story:

Husband and wife go to A&E, her with blood running from a head wound and him walking like John Wayne after a long day in the saddle.

Apparently story goes they were having oral sex and she had an eppileptic fit whilst "performing" and bit into his *****. He had to hit her with a poker to get her to release her 'grip' on him.

[punky]

I

Edited April 9, 2008 by Kimbers - Mod
Could've edited the whole thing!

[Kimbers]

Following on from Atle's post, here's some classics from Winston Churchill, enjoy, he was a man of rare sarcasm and wit.

When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticise or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.

"A sheep in sheep's clothing"

On Clement Atlee

A modest man, who has much to be modest about

On Clement Atlee

"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"

On Clement Atlee

"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived"

On Stanley Baldwin

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened"

On Stanley Baldwin

"He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe"

On Neville Chamberlain

Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison"

Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!"

Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

"What could you hope to achieve except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time"

On Admiral Mountbatten

[GordonMasson]

A middle aged husband left this note to his wife on leaving for work

'To My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

' My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:-

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[Bibs]

Murphy

[GordonMasson]

[mayevora]

Crikey, its hard enough sometimes to cope with humans on two wheels.

Trying to picture the conversation after being pulled over though - " And, are you the registered keeper of this vehicle Sir? & You do realise Sir that it is an offence to get 'ones' knee down"

[GordonMasson]

[GordonMasson]

Move along inside....plenty room

Edited May 2, 2008 by GordonMasson