LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[ramjet]

I've seen this before, but it's still a goodie.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2 Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[ramjet]

So I asked my son the other night what he would like for his birthday and he said a pet spider.

So off to the pet store and they wanted $70!!!

I thought to myself "Stuff that! I'll get one cheaper off the web."

[pete]

elton john has made a tribute to bin laden "sandals in the bin"

[rogerch]

A wife asked her husband, an engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband came back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[lrg_machine]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[mayevora]

Effective July 1, 2011

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: 

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 

The Management

 

 

 

[rogerch]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess “Will you marry me?” - the Princess said “NO”.

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorbikes and wowed skinny big titted women and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan rum and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end

(The edited version)

[Bibs]

You've got issues which are unresolved Roger, I'd advise therapy and this is a jokes/gags thread, take your hatred of women elsewhere..

[rogerch]

?

[molemot]

Well, it made ME giggle....what's wrong with an aspirational lifestyle, anyway??(!)

[USAndretti42]

.... the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorbikes and wowed skinny big titted women and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan rum and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end

(The edited version)

Of course, some men manage to do all this and stay married.

Don't know how, mind you.

[rogerch]

I'll settle for "Home Help"

[Roger 912]

A woman came home one morning and said to her husband that as she was running late she I stayed over with one of her girl friends last night. The fellow gets her address book and phones her 10 best friends. All say that she was not with them.

A fellow came home one morning and told his wife that he had stayed over with one of his pals after drinking a little too much. She gets hold of his address book and phones 10 of his best buddies. 8 said that he stayed over with them and the other two said that he is still there.

[Roger 912]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[arbell9]

I predict we're going to hear of more hacking accusations against many other newspapers in the next few days.

I've heard on good authority that the Sunday Sport hacked E.T. when he was trying to phone home to get their story of the World War 2 Bomber that was found on the moon several years ago.

[basalte]

A true story heard by my wife : Woman to mechanic saying :

"...and can you replace the dipstick ? It`s too short , its not reaching the oil, nothing shows up on it"

[gghc87]

Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper

equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds,

they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Bibs]

From the Fringe...

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

[ramjet]

So there's Mr Koala sitting in a tree smoking a joint. Mr Lizard looks up from the ground and sees him and asks "What are you doing Mr Koala?" Mr Koala replies "I'm just having a joint Mr Lizard. Do you want to come up and join me?" Mr Lizard thinks this is a good idea, climbs up and has a few joints with Mr Koala.

Anyway, after a while Mr Lizard says "My mouths as dry as buggery Mr Koala. I've got to go down to the river to get a drink."

So Mr Lizard crawls down the tree and off to the river to get a drink.

As he's hanging on to a stick over the river, leaning to get a drink, Mr. Lizard loses his balance and falls in the river.

Mr Crocodile sees Mr Lizard flailing about in the water and comes over to help Mr Lizard off to the riverbank. Mr Crocodile asks "What's going on here Mr Lizard? Why did you end up in the river?

"Well, I've been having some joints with Mr Koala and I got really thirsty. While I was leaning off the stick to get a drink, I slipped and fell in as I'm pretty stoned."

Mr Crocodile says "Well, I'm going to go and check this out."

So Mr Crocodile walks off through the forest to see Mr Koala.

Once he gets to the bottom of Mr Koala's tree he says "Mr Koala, how are you?"

Mr Koala looks down and says "FAARRK mate! How much water did you drink?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This comedian is actually a white guy.

Edited August 26, 2011 by ramjet

[rogerch]

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY:

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS:

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT:

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES:

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER:

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING:

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING:

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Glock handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING:

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS:

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT:

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON:

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS:

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON:

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK:

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY:

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.."

[mayevora]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkzsoJf-UsA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUoPDB0aRiU

[rogerch]

Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science: Governmentium.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[mayevora]

Quality laughing!

[Scotty C]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess “Will you marry me?” - the Princess said “NO”.

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorbikes and wowed skinny big titted women and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan rum and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end

(The edited version)

i thought you were talking about me and i dont even know you

[basalte]

Russian dog-fighting joke (where dog fighting is more popular-and legal -than here) :

A rich oligarch brings his little dachshund to the fights. Everyone laughs at him...until the little dachshund takes on and rips every opponent to shreds.

In shock, the loser asks the oligarch how much such an amazing fighting dog cost him.

"one thousand roubles for the crocodile...ten thousand roubles for the plastic surgery ".