LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[mayevora]

Made me smile anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2Ze3sLcQqE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[Mike6]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women

which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus,

calling it the "Clitaurus."

The average male thief won't be able to find it,

let alone turn the damn thing on

[Roger 912]

Chap phones his local toy shop and asks "Do you have any models of an Italian Cruise liner?". "Yes sir, I have just one left". "Can you put it on one side, I will collect it later?".

[ramjet]

The Human Body!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[ramjet]

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was

missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over

everything, and then leaves.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only

to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee

head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised

activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the

rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly

inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the

experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been

dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to

leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not

Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as

in: "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no

matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Ohno-second - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realise that

you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an

electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate

relationship, as in "This is my...um...friend."

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube

farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them

stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two

Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no

kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because

the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from

their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest

were just tourists."

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an

office or work group.

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware. Salsa = software. Example: "Well, first

we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in

order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are

solvent again.

Deinstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a

vice-president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number

of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the

operator for assistance."

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the

appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a

Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the

Command key, the Return key, and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $50 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.

Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $15 each, but

all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

I believe this was a radio prank, but funny anyway.

[ramjet]

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it ... you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price."

[gghc87]

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel ,blankets or sleeping bag,extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves. 24 hour supply of food and drink de - icer , rock salt torch spare batteries. Safety triangle tow rope , petrol can 1st aid kit - jump leads . . . I looked a right twat on the bus this morning !!!

[gghc87]

Credit Crunch Plan

If you had purchased £1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth £49.00. With Enron, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than £5.00 left. If you had purchased £1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have £49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased £1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have £214.00. Based on the above, apparently the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Petrol feet driven]

Rindercella - The Pyslexic Drincess

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young girl called Rindercella.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were real forrible huckers. They had featy sweet and featy swannies.

The sugly isters had tockets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her Gairy Fodmother appeared.

Her name was Cupid Stunt and she was a light rucking fesbian with a twig bat.

She turned a pumpkin and mix sice into a hucking cuge farriage, and six dandy ronkeys with buge hillocks and dig bicks.

The Gairy Fodmother told Rindercella to be back by midnight or there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the Pransome Hince, when suddenly the clock struck twelve.

"Mist all Chrucking Fighty!", said Rindercella and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

The next day the Pransome Hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifeted her leg and let out a fig bart.

"Pray, who has just farted?", asked the Pransome Hince.

"Blame the fugly hucker over there", said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk!

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted, and gave the pransome hince a knick in the kackers. This was not difficult because he had a dig bick and barge lollocks.

He tried the glass slipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the Pransome Hince were married.

The Pransome Hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny and they both lived happily ever after.

[USAndretti42]

:rofl:

[Bibs]

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

[alan]

^ More from Tim Vine

I'm reading a book on the history of glue - can't put it down!

had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!

Albinos - you can't say fairer than that.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'

So I said to this train driver: 'I want to go to Paris.' He said: 'Eurostar?' I said: 'I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags - he's bisatchel.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.

I've got a front door made from sponge. Don't knock it.

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.' 'I'm not gambling,' I said. 'The steaks are too high.'

I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift.

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors.

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back.'

When I left home, my mum said: 'Don't forget to write.' I thought: 'That's unlikely - it's a basic skill, isn't it?'

Velcro . . . what a ripoff.

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Weggie Kray.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

[ramjet]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors.

So do they jamb?

[ramjet]

[rogerch]

So do they jamb?

I've always enjoyed the Beethoven sequence.

[basalte]

"I bought these new spectacles and an hour later things were swimming before my eyes. Oh no, the specs were fine-I just went swimming".

From "All Baloney" a joke book published 1926. I have a hunch where Tim Vine gets his material.....

[ramjet]

A Short "Jack Daniel's" Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake again, with two more frogs.

[ramjet]

[Spy]

new support site, Conjunctivitis.com - thats a site for sore eyes

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!'

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Tim Vine = god

[gghc87]

There are some very funny exam answers found on this web site

http://funnyexam.com/

[Bibs]

http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/

Very funny!

[ramjet]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics

and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best

friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his

birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations

for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame.... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and

a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

________________________________________________

http://www.selfcontr....com/slaan.html

[ramjet]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes . ;

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____ ________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATT ORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Rick Edwards]

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit

for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express

praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She

said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a motor-cycle crash and his

scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the

doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as

they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every

move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a

delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the

crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in

place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably

as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out

of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should

recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and

tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[ramjet]