LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[mayevora]

[Bibs]

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde

[mayevora]

^^^ Quality!!! I think that's the one to top them all Bibs. Love it.

[Bibs]

Shaggy: "Who knows the abbreviation for 'Rhinoceros'?"

Scooby: "Rhino"

Shaggy: "OK; what is it, Scoob?"

[mayevora]

Mate, that is seriously bad lol.

[Bibs]

We aim to please!!

[ramjet]

I've told that one to a bunch of people at work and everyone has laughed at it.

Sometimes the simplest ones are the best

[andydclements]

Is that the joke or the colleagues?

[ramjet]

[ramjet]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pound.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,

"but for a million pound you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ....."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?" asked Mick.

"Of course I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a fookin clock!"

[Bibs]

This is funny even though it's not a joke!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/19866191

What a twat! It's like drinking a cocktail containing 'grenade'! Proper Darwin Award candidate!

[ramjet]

Did she know though?

[Bibs]

Hard to hide liquid nitrogen, what with the smoke and fact it's -170 degrees! Either way, Darwin wants her...

[ramjet]

I don't know. They would not realise what the smoke was and it's not like the whole drink is liquid nitrogen. It would sit in the drink boiling off which gives you the smoke and would most likely feel a bit colder than an icy drink.

[Bibs]

Don't drink anything with smoke coming out of it! That's a great rule to follow!

[ramjet]

What about Flaming Sabuccas? They've got smoke coming out of them and they're awesome!

[Bibs]

Flaming sambuca (good luck if you drink them while they're still alight!)

vs

Liquid Nitrogen...

[simonb]

Not safe to handle without PPE, let alone a slug of it in a drink

[vintaylor]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral:

Never Bulla Shitta your MaMa

[USAndretti42]

This is funny even though it's not a joke!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/19866191

What a twat! It's like drinking a cocktail containing 'grenade'! Proper Darwin Award candidate!

How does the director of public health of Cumbria justify saying, "liquid nitrogen is a toxic chemical"? It's dangerous because it's so cold but it is not toxic.

[ramjet]

Don't mess with old people

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

Phillip said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitsons' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[CHANGES]

me like that one...

[ramjet]

Two dyslexics go into a bank to rob it.

The leader walks in and yells,

"Air in the hands, Mother-stickers! This is a fcuk up!"

[Scotty C]

Flaming sambuca (good luck if you drink them while they're still alight!)

the only way to drink flaming sambuca is to put the sambuca in your mouth and then light it.

just dont do it like this

[Bibs]

Flamethrower, awesome!