LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[arbell9]

Darwinism trying its hardest again lol

[Mr_John111]

During a particularly wet winter, floodwaters rise so high in one

town that the National Guard evacuates all the residents.

One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high,

two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking

for people left behind.

"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat

and we'll carry you to safety!"

But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and

the Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,

when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another

boat appears.

"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll

save you!"

But the man sends them away again, saying, "No, no, the Lord will

save me!"

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his

chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter,

doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the

loudspeaker says,

"Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No,

the Lord will save me!"

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God,

"God, why didn't you save me?"

.

.

.

.

And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

[arbell9]

http://www.sickipedia.org/

[Whirlybird]

Just took the Lotus to get the christmas tree, it was 6ft tall so I had to cut the top off.

 

Always wanted a convertible anyway !

[ramjet]

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;  to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible... 

No wait…....Sorry. 

I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does all that shit. 

Never mind.

[Boots]

Well that lets me off the hook and now I know what to buy John for Xmas

[ramjet]

Glad to be of service.

[ramjet]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
 
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and retirement-work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing, ya know.


From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine.

Remembering your age...I sent this in large print . . .

[andydclements]

Michael.

 

There's also a place I've been to a few times. It's not very well signposted but you'll soon find it by just deviating from the planned course slightly, although once you're there it's well signposted so you soon know where you are. The traffic system is an absolute nightmare making it really difficult to get yourself out of there, you sometimes have to call a friend to help navigate your way out. 

Anyway enough about Theshit.

[Mr_John111]

What's the similarity between tightrope walking and getting fellatio from your mother-in-law?

No?

.... Don't whatever you do look down!

[USAndretti42]

A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you
home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf...."

[Gonzo]

You can't beat the sound of well looked after original vinyl..

 

 

'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'      

 

[ramjet]

Things you can only say at Christmas.

 

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I  fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

[ramjet]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[USAndretti42]

Looks like you've been on a printed t-shirt site again.

 

By the way, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

[temple]

Bought some beef-burgers from Tesco`s       think they have given me the trot`s

[Sparky]

Maybe "they're off." Geddit?

[ramjet]

Bought some beef-burgers from Tesco`s       think they have given me the trot`s

 

What a load of bull!

[temple]

Neigh,   its true

[Whirlybird]

Traces of zebra have been found in tescos barcodes!!

[temple]

Tesco`s have a new range of Chinese take away   its called the quarter panda 

[Sparky]

Got some cheap burgers at the local cut-price supermarket - they're branded 'My Lidl Pony'.

[temple]

OR

Tesco`s will now accept HMV vouchers

 

that is  Horse Meat  Vouchers

[Gonzo]

I'm going to have Tesco's meatballs tonight.

I've heard they're the dog's bollocks.

[temple]

I went to a Tesco restaurant for lunch, and ordered a burger,

the assistant said " do you want anything on that"?

 

I said "a fiver each way"!