LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Whirlybird]

The highways agency have warned :

"Anyone traveling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothes, including a hat, scarf, gloves, 24 hours supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads."

I looked a right twat on the bus this morning !

[Gonzo]

I think someone's got it in for me.

 

I found a Tesco's burger laying on my pillow...

[rogerch]

Home Remodeling

just had some strobe lights fitted in my bedroom. 

 

 

The sex is the same, but the wife looks like she's moving now!

[basalte]

I took my burgers back to Tesco`s . I said "they`ve got horse in them....."

 

...And they`re off !

Sparky you got there before me ;didn`t realise, sorry  !

 

Anyway, I got some Tesco`s burgers for my mate`s wedding reception. He said "we`re not eating those, they`ve got horse in `em". I replied :

 

"maybe the bridle ave `em"

 

Best I could do on the spot. Sorry.

[Trevsked]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.





The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.



On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.



The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the
electric starter.



Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.



They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The
old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.



The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was
no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.



They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.



And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[Trevsked]

Can't see this being on the site long so be quick. Right hand side scroll down a bit.

http://www.accidentclaims.org/

[Bibs]

[ramjet]

Not even going to ask how you found that Trevor.

[ramjet]

When 3 people have sex it's called a THREESOME.

 

When 2 people have sex it's called a TWOSOME.

 

Now I understand why they call you HANDSOME!!

[basalte]

I just heard of the Findus Horsemeat Lasagne scandal while I was tucking into my Frutta Di Mare with Foalcaccia,  followed by Mascarpony.

[mayevora]

Hope you all have a better Valentines day than me - I just booked up a table for 2, and then she announces she doesn't like snooker.

[rogerch]

Paleoanthropology
Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your
latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven,
next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this
specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you
that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million
years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident
that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this
specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are
a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have
tipped you off to it's modern origin:

  1. The material
is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized
bone.

  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is
approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even
the earliest identified proto-hominids.

  3. The
dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands
during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most
intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against
it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

 
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.

  B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is
with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy
load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to
carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we
approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with
the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for
one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy,
but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected
was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.


However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of
the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his
own office for the display of the specimens you have previously
submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily
on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our
nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several
of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the
"trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural
matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours
in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities 

[pete]

My ironmongery supplier wrote to me today categorically stating that there were no monkeys in their mokey tail bolts.no swans in their swan neck bolts,and no meat in their nuts

[Günter]

good joke  ..

 

 

http://oldspice.com/explosion/

 

-try a game 

[rogerch]

[ramjet]

So the teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
 

 

Little Kelly gets up and says,

"My dad has the flu and it is contagious."

"Very good" says the teacher.

Young Robert gets up and says,

"My mum says that laughter can be contagious."

"Excellent Robert!" replies the teacher.

 

Little Johnny gets up and says,

"My dad and I were out in the front yard the other day and our neighbour is painting his whole house with a 2" brush. My dad says it's going to take the contagious."

[Günter]

@Roger: do you think a webpage needs to do more then ? 

[rogerch]

 

This might be an improvement.

[Günter]

if she 'can handle this' ..

 

[s4simon]

[Bibs]

[ramjet]

Gary is in the hospital!

 

---------------------------------------

 

Who the hell is Gary ?



Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" 

Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"



"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"



"I got a hundred quid note on my privates" he said proudly. 

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in
disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid
note tattooed on his privates?"



"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like
how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."



Gary is now in The Manchester Royal Infirmary, Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

[ramjet]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

[Bibs]

[molemot]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road - they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: "Get out and check - YOU were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"YOU were driving; so YOU go and tell the farmer," says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, big grin on his face.

"What's happened to you?" Cherie asks.

The chauffeur replies: "When I got there I told them what had happened....then the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, then the wife gave me a slap-up meal and finally, the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Cherie.

"I knocked on the door - and when it was answered, I said to them: "I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and.........

I've just killed the cow!"