LEF Jokes & Gags thread

t70 · June 30, 2008

Wow! I believe.... that she should... be more edumecated in Iraqi english and stuff.

Daniel · June 30, 2008

yeah but she is fit though

Kimbers · June 30, 2008

I cringed through that. What are Americans and where are they from anywho?

punky · June 30, 2008

A chimp off the old block

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1AeCsIKq8g

DanR · July 18, 2008

GordonMasson · July 18, 2008

For all you Star Wars fans !

rocket63 · July 18, 2008

How do you kill a circus?.................................................

Go for the juggler.

punky · July 30, 2008

Leaving Home

gghc87 · September 2, 2008

Click the link

http://fc02.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077..._alanbecker.swf

peter_england99 · September 10, 2008

( be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'someth ing bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:

Beer Demo

bingoking · September 10, 2008

A Proton walks into a bar and says to the barman "I've lost a Neutron" and the barman asks "Are you positive"?

stephenbirdsall · September 11, 2008

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com

The link says it all!

Bibs · September 11, 2008

<html>

<head>

<style type="text/css">

body {

background-color: #000;

color: #fff;

font-family:arial,helvetica;

font-size:5em;

text-align: center;

}

#main {

margin: 0px auto;

margin-top: 150px;

width: 350px;

text-align:center;

}

</style>

<title>Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet?</title>

<link rel="alternate" type="application/atom+xml" title="Recent Entries"

href="http://www.hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/atom.xml" />

</head>

<body>

<div id="main">

<script type="text/javascript">

if (!(typeof worldHasEnded == "undefined")) {

document.write("YUP.");

} else {

document.write("NOPE.");

}

</script>

<noscript>NOPE.</noscript>

</div>

<script type="text/javascript">

var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." :

"http://www.");

document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost +

"google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E"));

</script>


<script type="text/javascript">

var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-275043-3");

pageTracker._trackPageview();

</script>

<!-- if the lhc actually destroys the earth & this page isn't yet updated

please email mike@frantic.org to receive a full refund -->

</body>

</html>[/code]

Setras · September 12, 2008

I went to see a fortune teller last week, She told me a lot of money was coming my way. I felt really excited when I left....... Got knocked down by a securicor van on the way home

Edited September 12, 2008 by Setras

davegtst · September 12, 2008

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..."

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends

Edited September 12, 2008 by davegtst

CharlieC · September 27, 2008

I knew she wasn't human...

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=jN-ltxNe5hY

stephenbirdsall · October 16, 2008

I know it's not really a joke, and that this could go in the 'what made you smile today' thread, but this thread is too important to have on page 2!.

The site is 'the fail blog' and is worth looking at anyway, but this one takes the biscuit, or the meat and two veg.

Fail blog - skateboarder

peter_england99 · October 24, 2008

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Lotus wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

Kimbers · October 24, 2008

Brilliant.

rogerch · October 31, 2008

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe..'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Edited October 31, 2008 by Roger Harris

USAndretti42 · October 31, 2008

(Merged with the jokes thread)

Very funny, Roger but I'm disappointed that I'm not offended.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always thought it had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up!

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

arbell9 · November 4, 2008

have to remember this next time someone tries to sell me something by cold calling

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&...feature=related

Mark Blanchard · November 5, 2008

Was sent this the other day .

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice...

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Rubbish Bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Got Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of Your cheques, Write 'For Sexual Favours'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

davegtst · November 7, 2008

PONG

arbell9 · November 28, 2008

Dear Tech Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I

had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the

only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other

applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a

virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same

time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they

caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fianc

Sign In

LEF Jokes & Gags thread

Recommended Posts

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

C8RKH

Bibs

Alfa2Evora

Posted Images

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

Create an account

Sign in

Announcements

Recently Browsing

Available Subscriptions

Important Information