LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[stephenbirdsall]

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us

in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of

adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child you know

nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good

parent.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the

cost of the project was downright obnoxious, it was 20 years

overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for

family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like

more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast

dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still mad at the electrician for getting the new oven

hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole

house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening

and to reheat Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was

freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the

rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put

the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room

to rise for five hours.

After three hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat,

returning about an hour later. An hour after that, the rolls

were ready to go into the oven.

It was 8:30 p.m. When I went to the living room to retrieve

the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was

empty. I called out to Jasper, and my worst nightmare became

a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a

combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire

man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. Even his

cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds

of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be

OK; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every two

hours for the rest of the night.

Who knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any

more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say

that by the time we went to bed, the dog was black, white,

and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed

for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was

very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, we put the

dog out to take care of his business. Well, the dog was as

drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into

walls, falling flat on his rear. Most of the time when he

was walking, his front half was going one direction and the

other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90

degrees in another direction. When he ran down the small

incline in our back yard, he couldn't stop himself and

nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I

endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second

call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had

fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go

through, it would wear off after about four or five hours.

He then told me to keep giving the dog Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave Jasper by himself in the house, Perry and I

loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for

the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch (a 10- to

15-minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124

less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the

console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but

believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen

unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure

Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a

drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst

of it.

Now he was beginning to pass gas and it smelled like baked

rolls. We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's. We

were thankful she didn't live any farther away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the

door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first

Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of

conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the

garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale

of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into

something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "What goes in

must come out," and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked

yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up

my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite

different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed

blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.

Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we

loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of

water from the hose hit the poop on the floor, and the poop

on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like

Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no

one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my

hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off

of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the

dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and

left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be

brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely, so we

took him home and dropped him off before we left for our

second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is

back to normal, both in size and temperament. He has had a

bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear, I

presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I

found two risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet

door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating ten

of them but decided hiding two of them for later would not

be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer: "How

to clean unbaked dough from the carpet."

And how was your day?

~Author Unknown~

[arbell9]

Check out candidates from the Darwin Awards......

Clicky

[peter_england99]

This one is for all who intend to drink a lot over the Christmas period.

Clement Freud Joke

[Kimbers]

True Reports from British life ........!!!

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -

"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

[rogerch]

I backed a horse today.......20 to 1........................came in at half past four. (Tommy Cooper)

[Kimbers]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a

[ifly]

A few classic Jasper Carrot insurance claim comments as to why the accident happened..... Enjoy!

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

[oneshot]

My claim to fame - I interviewed Jasper Carrott back in 1981 for University Radio

[molemot]

Real Firemen's report from my time with the London Fire Brigade Workshops:

Symptoms of fault....."Excessive use of oil."

Looked at engine..hole in sump you could put your head in and remains of conrod dangling out.

"Excessive use of oil? Whaddya mean?!!!!"

"Comes out as fast as you pour it in.......!"

Great bunch of blokes in the Brigade.

[73JPS]

One of the better 5 minute sets from one of my favorite comedians...

[Michaelgh]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the

entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left

was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French

woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that

seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in

particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is

using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat

left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit

down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are

also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked

up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat

down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!

This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you

Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong

thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your

autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem

to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

[Loteuk]

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he

decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty

flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the

airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to

fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the

hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines

motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Ryanair

[andydclements]

Borrowed from another forum, I've seen it before but it's so good it need to keep runing.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,

though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A

Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when

tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from

"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,

effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has

increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate

Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat

Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to

"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their

allies, just in case.

[ramjet]

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting at a table with a huge cigarette lighter. He goes over to him and asks what it's about? The guy tells him that the bloke over near the window is a genie and will grant any wish the guy has, but only one.

So the guy walks over to check. Asks if the bloke is a genie and gets told 'Sure and what's your wish?' So the guy asks for a million bucks.

All of a sudden the bar is full of a million ducks. The guy walks back over to the guy with the lighter and says 'You could have told me the genie had a hearing problem'

Guy says 'I thought it was obvious. You think I asked for a 12 inch bic?'

Edited January 31, 2009 by ramjet

[Kimbers]

Ya think you have lived to be 69 and know what you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens!

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[73JPS]

I guess after Andy's post, this oldie will be okay.

The difference between Heaven and Hell:

You will know you are in heaven if, when you arrive, you find the Swiss in charge of the banking, the Germans in charge of engineering, the French in charge of love, the Italians in charge of culinary arts and the English in charge of law and order.

If on the other hand you end up in Hell, you will know for certain upon finding the French in charge of the banking, the Italians in charge of engineering, the Swiss in charge of love, the English in charge of culinary arts, and the Germans in charge of law and order.

Or something like that, anyway...

Edited February 5, 2009 by 73JPS

[ramjet]

Three blondes walk into a bar chanting '28 days, 28days' and order 3 vodka and oranges. When the barman is picking up glasses, he stops at the blondes table (still chanting) and asks what it's all about. One of the blondes pipes up and says 'We bought a jigsaw a while ago and on the side it said 3~5 years, but we did it in 28 days!'

[formatc]

And then, the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to

the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The

wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment..'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[ramjet]

Mick,

That is some of the best laughs I've had in a long time. Crying..

Michael.

[punky]

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.

Step 2. Drive like a bat out of a hell!

Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!

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[73JPS]

Oh man I love that! Where can I get me some of those balloons?

[USAndretti42]

Adverts from "The Best of Craigslist"

Vintage British 3 Speed Bicycle, Very Nice! - $30 (Dover)

Date: 2009-01-18, 11:49AM EST

Perfect for commuting and just leaving outdoors. Great for everyday use. Great "Winter bike"

I cant remember if it is a Mens or a Womens, but I know its a 3 Speed. Pick up only. Bring a shovel.

Dear Mr Scammer, I am sorry

Date: 2009-01-10, 11:48AM EST

Dear Mr. Scammer

I owe you a few apologies:

[Jonathan]

http://break.com/index/the-butt-crack-chainsaw.html

Edited February 26, 2009 by Jonathan

[Simon350S]

Thats just TOOOOOOO Funny!!!

And hes so so proud of himself! LOL

[ifly]

An extremely talented artist! Wonder what he does with some of the other air hose attachments????