LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[basalte]

Following the above, my own list of jokes (it`s a play on words !)  in the dual category of :

 

1."Middle -and upper-middle class people trying to do stand-up because they`ve seen it on the telly and someone told them they were funny once and they would rather do it than work in a Bank  and they can talk about being students to other students and laugh over the fact that no-one ever cleans the fridge".

 

2. Out-of-work actors with far more self-confidence than ability and there might be a good agent / groupie-type shag in the audience. Possibly.

 

I thought the song  "Polly put the kettle on" is probably asking too much of a parrot.

My car has a bench seat..and pigeons in the footwell looking for crisps.

Chinese cats keep shouting for their dear departed leader, Chairman MIaow.

I saw a drunk man with a strange hairless tail...he was rat-arsed.

Dracula polished his shoes until he couldn`t see his face in them.

What do you call sheep without legs or heads? Clouds.

I was told "this train divides at Woking". You bet, it split straight down the aisle !

"The people look like ants". "Yes we`re very high up"."I know that but this lot have 6 legs".

I `ve got a very hairy chest - it`s so hairy people can`t find the lock so my personal possessions are safe!

I took a trip on the historic Mallard. But no-one told me how hard it is to keep your balance on a giant duck (this last one is especially unfunny)

[ramjet]

Do NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

 

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!!

 

Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight!

 

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

[molemot]

Stolen from "Sniff Petrol"....

 

Following news that Toro Rosso has signed Jos Verstappen’s 16-year-old son Max for next season, other F1 teams are racing to bag the offspring of a driver for themselves.

First to make a move was Red Bull who immediately invited Sebastian Vettel’s seven month old daughter to have a go in their simulator and didn’t complain when the seat got covered in mashed banana and dribble. ‘It’s okay,’ said a spokesman. ‘You should see the state of it when Buemi’s been in there.’

Over in Woking, McLaren’s Ron Dennis has agreed first refusal on any children spawned by current driver Ken Magnussen, believing that signing the son of the son of a former driver will ‘bring a multiplied factor of opportunality for significant quantities of excellentness.’

Meanwhile, Williams has also decided to start from scratch and offered cash to former driver Jacques Villeneuve for any sperm he might produce. ‘We’ve already had to hire a new warehouse to store it in,’ said a spokesman. ‘I think we’d forgotten what a massive wanker he is.’

Finally, Ferrari has decided not to pursue a driver’s offspring having already turned down an offer from Luca Badoer. ‘He told us there was a birth last year and he’s been nurturing it ever since,’ said a spokesman. ‘We had to tell him, Luca, that’s a turd.’

[73JPS]

Speaking of dogs...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoB8t0B4jx4

[molemot]

Christopher and Jane

“Hi!”

I’m Jane” she said.



"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.


"You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.

 

 

 

 

[basalte]

Heard about the dyslexic rock star ? He choked on his own vimto.

[temple]

Not sure about this one?   i thought it was funny 

Like

 

[Kimbers]

I just had an insect fly into my kitchen Scream and explode!

 

It was a Jihadi longlegs

[molemot]

I believe this is genuine....

 

[pete]

oops

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/spain/11154107/Dwarf-stripper-gets-bride-pregnant-on-her-hen-night.html

[temple]

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[Whirlybird]

The Cornish Three Kick Rule

An City lawyer went duck hunting in Roche, Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. Get off my land"

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the City and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Whirlybird]

                                 Crows
 
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

 
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle.

Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
 
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."

[hyteck9]

These:

 

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/steven_wright.html

[Bibs]

My mate with OCD's wife is very unhappy. Every time he turns her on, he has to turn her back off again!

[Mysterae]

I tried to download Band Aid 30 tonight, but my computer's anti-virus blocked it.

[Frimley111R]

My mate with OCD's wife is very unhappy. Every time he turns her on, he has to turn her back off again!

 

Stolen!

[molemot]

Culled from elsewhere....

 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Wales.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales" ..

 

 

Christmas Health and Safety

All those planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment and Method Statement (RAMS) will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public.
The RAMS must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
(Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.)

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The Angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered.
This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Merry Christmas!!

[TBD]

I went to the bakery this morning. I was only in there for 5 minutes and when I came out a police woman was writing a ticket.

 

I told her I was only in there 5 minutes, but she ignored my and continued writing. She coldly said you're not allowed to park kere and calm down, otherwise its going to get expensive.

 

That made me mad so I called her a stupid cow and told her what she can do with her ticket.

 

That seemed to make her mad and she said something about bringing charges and that this would have consequences.

 

That was too much! I yelled at her that she is just the whore of the city council and that she could earn a lot more money if she offered her services elsewhere.

 

She became white in the face, quickly put the ticket behind the wiper and ran off saying something about criminal offense and harrassment.

 

I didn't care, it wasn't my car.

[molemot]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.
 He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!.............

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home......

[molemot]

An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking.

Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.

She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." She asked him, "If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?"

He said "Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"

He replied "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to get rid of it."

She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?!"

 

 

He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."

[ramjet]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

  

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

  

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

  

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

  

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

  

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

         

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

  

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that                                  my testicles are not square.'

  

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

  

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

  

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

  

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

  

The president was happy to oblige.

  

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked

   

the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

  

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

[DaveC72]

Submarines:

Suggestions for the submariner who misses the 'good old days' on the boat:

Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

 

Sleep on the shelf in your wardrobe. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".

 

Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.

Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.

Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.

Lockwire the wheelnuts on your car.

Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea

Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.

Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again.

Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen

Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease

Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster General -Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you.

Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.

Have your kids stand at attention every time you enter the room and make them state quite loudly, "Attention on Deck' or "Make a Hole".

Start every story with "This is no-shit".

Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your rack that don't work.

Install the system above where it will cause a 6 inch vacuum In the bedroom.

Hire about 20 drunks to come into you house about 1 in the morning and start cooking.

Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.

Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sock.

Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope - or, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.

Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained aboard Navy ships.

Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two out of five.

Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like rubbish trucks going uphill, and use foul language.

Unplug all radios and TV's to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a copy of The Times, The Economist, or Navy News from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same porcelain.

Lock the bathrooms twice a day for a four hour period.

Practice taking a shower with a litre of water.

Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares if it day or night.

Listen to your favorite CD 6 times/day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD. 

 

 

SUB v WOMAN

Why Submarines are better than woman:

-  a submarine will kill you quickly. A woman takes her time.
-  submarines like it done at all angles.
-  submarines can be turned on easily anytime.
-  a submarine doesn't mind if you smoke, drink, tell dirty jokes or cuss.
-  a submarine does not object to being rigged for dive.
-  submarines come with manuals.
-  a submarine is built for going down
-  a submarine once down is quite willing to say there as long as you want.
-  submarines are always in trim.
-  you can dive a submarine any time of the month.
-  submarines don't whine unless something is really wrong.
-  submarines don't care how many other subs you have sailed on.
-  submarines don't come with in-laws.
-  when sailing, you and your submarine arrive at the same time.
-  submarines don't mind if you look at other submarines or if you buy books and

   magazines about them.
-  submarines don't complain if you sleep somewhere else.
-  submarines don't mind if you stop off for a few beers on the way back.
-  it's OK to tie up a submarine
-  you can leave your submarine but it will never leave you.
-  you get paid extra money for riding on a submarine.
-  submarines don't mind if you sit up all night eating and talking loud with your friends
-  submarines always smell the same all month long.

[molemot]

Advice to new A&E doctors.....

 

Dear New A&E HOs and SHOs

On this ominous day I feel the need to impart some hard-earned wisdom

1. Use your nurses. The vast majority could walk your job.

2. Structure your history taking differently. You get one open question. Any more will result in people telling you about their cats. In GP and medicine, cats may be important. In A&E they aren't. Follow this up with closed questions, both relevant and irrelevant. If the answer to all of these is yes, ask them if their teeth itch. If they do, they are lying and should be given a PR then sent to their GP. GPs love mentals.

3. Structure your examination differently. This is the time where you make your plan. By all means actually listen to their chest / poke various parts, but your brain should be splitting people into categories: home, medics, surgeons, other, needs further tests. By the end of the examination you should know which one they are in. If you don't, examine another bit until you do.

4. Never leave a cubicle without a plan. The nurses are like vipers and will lynch you the second you set foot outside. Some may even hit you if you pause to think.

5. Never ask a nurse to take bloods or cannulate if you have been in the cubicle for longer than ten minutes. While you are explaining to the patient your thoughts / differentials / lack of interest about their cats, you can be poking bits of metal into their veins.

6. Chest pain is a shit. Most people seem unable to differentiate between pancreatitis, an MI and wind. You will feel like a twat referring someone with 40 minutes of epigastric/chest pain after eating, but unless you are fucking positive that it is indigestion, refer them.

7. Alcoholics are shits. Acknowledge early on that if you ever become complacent, one of the bastards will die and take you down with them. If they are shaking even a little bit, imagine they are doing a YMCA-style dance, but with your GMC number instead of letters.

8. Old people are not shits, but they do fall into two distinct groups:

8a. Unbelievably hard. Your 90 year old bloke will walk in with the most impacted NOF known to man, and describe it as a twinge. Remember the blitz.

8b. Sweet but bitey. Do not get within grabbing distance of the 'pleasantly confused' Doris. Ever.

9. 20 year old men faint when you access their veins. No idea why, but I suspect it is because they have been over-mothered and need to man the fuck up, but draw your own conclusions.

10. YOU HAVE FOUR HOURS

Good luck, if you are doing it right, this will be the most knackering time of your life, but you get to work with the most passionate and inclusive team I have ever known. For some of you, I’ll see you tonight.

[theelanman]

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free

 

 

 

 

Surely every car is a people carrier?

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy,

the other is a little lighter

 

 

 

 

If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go

 

 

 

 

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas