LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Bibs]

[Bibs]

I was in England again a few weeks ago, mostly in small towns, but here's some of what I noticed:* Almost everyone is...

Posted by

Scott Waters

on 

Thursday, September 24, 2015

[Barrykearley]

[Bibs]

[100th_Idiot]

English man walks into a bar

There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an Irish man as well but they're still at the world cup.
 

[Bibs]

 

[Kimbers]

 

[DaveC72]

[Bibs]

 

[Kimbers]

Even BMW drivers are getting in on safe driving!
http://eveningharold.com/2015/11/02/dense-fog-sees-bmw-drivers-back-off-to-safe-distance-of-seven-inches/

[DaveC72]

[DaveC72]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Kimbers]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

    That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

    Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?


    He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[DaveC72]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn

.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia.”

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[Al]

God I haven't heard that one for about 20 years!  The oldies are the goodies.  Love the Nicola one.

[DaveC72]

Aye, it's been around since Nelson was a Mid.

[theelanman]

37 minutes ago, DaveC72 said:

Aye, it's been around since Nelson was a Mid.

wot....an 'Arold.......

shipsman

[DaveC72]

...shipman... 

 

[molemot]

Two men and a woman were shipwrecked on a desert island.

At the end of the first week, the woman was so ashamed of what she had been doing that she killed herself.

At the end of the second week, the two men were so ashamed of what they had been doing that they buried her.

At the end of the third week, the two men were so ashamed of what they had been doing, that they dug her up again.......

[DaveC72]

On a flight from Guz to Faslane, a Submariner was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Submariner  pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-gear.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "That's a good looking sprog you've got there ... looks like he was enjoying his scran too".

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears during the descent. The Submariner sadly shook his head, and said:

"And all these years I've been chewing gum".

[gvy]

 

ABSENTLY

One hour ago I had to bring my 16y old son Gilles, who is a gymnast, to the Gym for a training session.

We were already late, so I asked him to already go and sit in the Esprit, while I was searching my keys. He did what i asked, while sms ing with his phone.

i really had to take a picture of that.......  Enjoy

Geert

[DaveC72]

[DaveC72]

Old skool...

 

[molemot]

 

 

A man passed out on the beach for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

 

 

 

 

Spring Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday 1st January 2016

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS. EACH CLASS WILL LAST FOR TWO HOURS
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

 

And...just to avoid any comments about sexism...

 

 

 

 

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond man then said, “Let ‘s hope it ‘s not the 13th.”
————————————

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We ‘ll lie and say we only found two.”
————————————

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are making love. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke ‘s on all of you because I wasn ‘t even at home yesterday.”
————————————

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I ‘m not sure what to do… it ‘s for dry hair, and I ‘ve just wet mine.”
——————————

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it ‘s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven ‘t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
————————————

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
————————————

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
————————————

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, “That ‘s your air freshener swinging about!”
————————————

A blonde man ‘s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don ‘t you put an ad in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.
————————————

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn ‘t breathe.”
———————————
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they ‘d still be in the boat.”

[Kimbers]

Changing "Woman" to "Man" doesn't help the sexist thing Though I must admit I was reading your first one ticking off what Wendy does (moaning about toilet seat, hair tongs etc)