LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[andydclements]

Oops, missed out the word "tree", although over the course of the last 3 years I think I have assembled a cat, from the fragmented mind of the one we received (he was always scared he was going to be hurt not necessarily maliciously, but perhaps pulled about by children who loved him more than he could take).

[Iconic Ride]

[molemot]

Sunday Morning Sex -
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong......"

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Iconic Ride]

[Bibs]

[DaveyT]

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.

[molemot]

A trifle rude....

 

Paddy and Mick fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Mick replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Paddy said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Mick replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Paddy said 'Mick - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

 

 

Mick said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the third pub.'

[molemot]

New Terminology definitions....

 

TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..
AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').
GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"
MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

[andydclements]

The seagull manager is outranked by the albatross manager whose characteristics are much the same but it's a much bigger pile left behind.

[Mark Blanchard]

 

[DaveyT]

^ best done with an Oirish Accent, I've found ?

[Barrykearley]

 

 

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. 
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. 

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman." 

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. 
As a matter of fact, he's headed the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

[molemot]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what had happened .....and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your NEIGHBOUR???!!!"

 

 

 

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[swindon_alan]

My missus is pissed off with me again.

Last night while she was fast asleep, I gently removed her Tampax and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.

I'm telling you! That woman's got no 'effin sense of humour at all

 

[swindon_alan]

 

 

 

[molemot]

[Kimbers]

You must seriously watch this! SERIOUSLY! I was laughing so hard I was crying.

 

[Kimbers]

Yeah, that didn't work.............Damn.

[Bibs]

If you're easily offended by the 'C' word, don't click this but it appears to be a genuine article on a genuine website!

https://www.lingscars.com/images/customers/cnut.pdf

[Simon350S]

That's the dragons den lady ??

[Kimbers]

ARGGHHHHH My eyes!

[JayEmm]

Dear God 2002 called it wants its website back

[molemot]

This came from a discussion on nuclear targeting...

 

"Apparently there was a small town in West Sussex that was targeted with a 3 Megaton nuke. Again and again a Russian planner insisted it should be included because it was significant. After research it appears there was a Tea shop where the proprietoress was obnoxious and had been so to some visiting Russians in the 1930's.
They figured revenge is best served 3 megaton hot...."

[Iconic Ride]

Nostrovia!, bitch!

[molemot]