LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[mayevora]

[Bibs]

[pete]

[exeterjeep]

[C8RKH]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[pete]

Clarkson before the operation😁😁

[Escape]

What operation? Or is that the explanation behind his sarcastic use of a semi-colon in his columns? 😁

[pete]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below so descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to be somewhere an hour ago but I don't know where I am".

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be a Senior Officer"

"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"

"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air, you’ve made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!”

[Gjk]

Never a truer word said in jest!

[drdoom]

Just heard the following:

 

Hunters "A" and "B" have gone out in search of quarry, hunter A takes a nasty fall and is out cold, looking very poorly. Hunter B scrambles to the scene and, seeing his chum's state, calls emergency services with conversation as follows:

Emerg:  "Emergency Services, what is the nature of your emergency?

HB:   " Out hunting with my mate who's taken a bad fall, I think he may be dead."

Emerg:   " You think he may be dead? Please make sure of that. "

" BANG " 

HB:   "  He's dead. What do I do next? "

[drdoom]

Elephant:   " Why am I so big and you so tiny ??? "

Mouse:   " Well I've been ill haven't I ?? "

 

Duck 1:   " Quack ! "

Duck 2:   " I was going to say that !! "

 

and lastly, so ghastly . . . .

How do you stop a dog humping your leg ?

Pick it up and suck its . . . . .

With apologies to the delicate.

[Escape]

No need for the last suggestion. Our dog proves on a regular basis he is more than capable 'to see to his own needs' in that department...

[Escape]