LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Camshaft]

This is somewhat reminicscent of the scene in Anchorman when it is revealed that the news anchors will unquestioningly read anything on the teleprompters.

[Roger 912]

Chap pops in to his local Pharmacy and says to the lady behind the counter, 3 Durex please miss.

 

The very irate lady behind the counter says "Don't you "Miss" me young man".

 

The lad says, "Oh dear. In that case you had better make it four miss".

 

 

An octogenarian was fishing from his rowing boat when he heard a feint voice saying "pick me up". Fellow looks around and there is no one in sight, but again he hears the feint voice saying "please pick me up". He looks over the side of the boat and there is this little frog swimming around pleading to be picked up. Well he picks up the frog and the frog tells him that if he were to give it a kiss it would turn into a beautiful young maiden who would do anything that he asks.

 

Fellow looks at it and quickly pops it into his top pocket. "What are you doing said the frog, why don't you kiss me?" Fellow retorts  "At my age I can do more with a talking frog than a naked lady".

Edited July 20, 2013 by Roger 912

[pete]

looks like Rooney is going to Chelsea now Colleen has agreed terms with John Terry

[Kimbers]

       ^{Sorry Kimbers, that was bad.}

 

^{I can do better.......}

 

^{Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands,}

Police say that he topped himself.

 

^{-------------------------------------------------------------------------}

 

QUESTION:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

SCENARIO:

...

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your Police issued Glock pistol and you are an expert shot, however, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

A British Police Officer:

Firstly you consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway - what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

14) If I shoot and wound him, and then lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!

American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

'click'... Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Minutes later, your Sergeant and twenty six of your nearest colleagues arrive at the scene.

They remark on your 'nice grouping.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

These made me laugh so hard I am crying.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

[rogerch]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01NHcTM5IA4

 

And here's the ozi version.

[Kimbers]

Two Police attend at a house in Dublin to deliver a death message.

"Good day Madam. Are you Mrs Murphy?"

"Yes."
...
"Is your husband Pat Murphy who works at the Guinness factory?"

"Yes. Yes he is! What's happened?"

"Mrs Murphy, I'm terribly sorry to inform you that he died a short time ago in an industrial accident at work. It would appear that he fell into one of the vats of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh Jesus!" she cried. Tell me, did he die quickly?"

"Actually, witnesses report that he got out three times to have a piss."

[Bibs]

 

[ramjet]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: “Remove cap and push up bottom.
”I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
 

[ramjet]

[gghc87]

Made me laugh

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/lidl-launches-12-99-tablet-2013101680414

[Kimbers]

Awesome bad lip reading video. Basically, what you think people say with the sound turned off. I laughed so hard I cried.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jR4lLJu_-wE&feature=youtu.be

[mayevora]

[Bibs]

[Trevsked]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proof...s of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

[ramjet]

Man involved in boating accident

Seconds until death

 

(scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mayevora]

[molemot]

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Monique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line...."

[ramjet]

[Whirlybird]

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action...
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can... But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: 'You mean I've been here already?'

[Bibs]

[molemot]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom cupboard.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'How much?'
Boy - '£150'
Man - 'OK.'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I've sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, 'That's terrible to sell your things and overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to church so that you can you confess your sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again, you little rat. You're in MY cupboard now....!'

[mayevora]

"WARNING"

Happy Christmas everybody. Unexpectedly found myself at the local A+E

Apparently the new Dyson Ball Cleaner is not what I thought it was.

[molemot]

 

Sorry chaps....I was forestalled by the whole thing and hadn't seen it!! Please refer to Chris J's post no. 80 in the "Pilots" thread !!

Edited December 25, 2013 by molemot

[ChrisJ]

I reckon it's in the right place in both threads

[molemot]

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By January 31st, 2014
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Marks and Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.