LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Jonathan]

PMSL I wanna know how he discovered he could do it in the 1st place !!

[Tentenths]

This just HAD to be shared....

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, 'cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, 'cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

[andydclements]

Oh so good.

[mayevora]

Dear Friend

There will be a garage sale on Saturday at my place.

A bit embarrassing really, but because of my current situation (debts, Living expenses, etc.) I'm finding it a bit difficult with money at the moment.

I've decided to have a garage sale and hopefully make some money. Desperate times call for desperate measures!! I am sure that I will get out of this mess sooner or later but in the meantime, you got to do what you got to do!!

I've taken a photo (attached above - scrole down) of some of my stuff, if you see anything you like, please let me know as soon as possible so I can save it for you, assuming the price is right.

Hope you can make it!

Please tell your friends

Ian

Edited April 5, 2009 by mayesprit

[Sparky]

This one caused me severe pain.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cornwall/7981904.stm

[Katie]

PMSL I want the video footage of the copper riding it back....an hour FFS!!!

Seriously though, if she's deaf, and capable of being half asleep whilst in charge if it, and ending up 5 miles away without knowing how, should she really be in charge of one?

[ramjet]

A friend of mine is suicidal and asked me for help.

So one day I shoved him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

[andydclements]

To drive a car we have to (now) sit a theory test and then a practical assessment.

A Bike is pretty much the same with some basic training beforehand.

Cyclists, nothing compulsory but there used to be wide spread training for children, I think it still goes on in some places.

These things, take one person who has lost the use of / has limited function in a limb or more, give them the key and off they go.

I think Katie hit on the most worrying thing, she was half asleep. If a car driver did that the police would be quick to prosecute, citing the danger to other road users, what about the danger she presented if car drivers etc were having to swerve to avoid her erratic scooter driving?

[Backmarker]

Hmmmm ............. what date was it last Wednesday when this allegedly occurred?

[davegtst]

[ramjet]

Saw this at work today and have found this link to it.

Don't know if anyone has seen it before, but had to share.

[73JPS]

That's hilarious...

I wonder if that is the sort of activity any monkey could pull off, or just a really athletically talented one

[molemot]

My Grandfather said he'd always wanted a monkey.....but all he got was my Dad!!

[Laura]

Not hugely funny but a nice story & made me giggle:

A fishing boat pulled up and tied up in a small Mexican fishing village. There was a well dressed gentleman watching and complimented the fisherman on his catch and began up a conversation asking how many hours he spent to catch his fish.

[ramjet]

To be read with an Italian accent:

An elderly couple are sitting at a little cafe in an Italian village. They are noticed by Luigi , admiring the town where he lives. Luigi introduces himself and asks them what they think of the town. The couple reply it is very pretty and one of the highlights of their trip so far.

Luigi says "Youa see all ofa these roads, Luigi, he laysa all of these cobble stones. But do they call me Luigi the road builder?.....No. Youa see all ofa these houses, Luigi, he builda all ofa them. But do they call me Luigi the house builder?.....No. Thesea churches, Luigi, hea builds them. But do they call me Luigi the church builder?.....No."

The couple sit there listening as Luigi continues,

"But you f%cka justa one goat....!"

[Choppa]

I've not seen this one before, got to get some of this engine additive!

[TrapperJohn]

I was in a restaurant the other day.

The waiter asked "cream in your coffee?"

and I said...

"not recently."

[ifly]

This one should be fun for all the PC users out there. Pay attention as there is a lot going on.

[USAndretti42]

The other day I saw a guy wearing a tee shirt upon which it said,

"There are only 10 types of people in this world

Those that understand binary and those that don't."

[davegtst]

I've not seen this one before, got to get some of this engine additive!

It's not a joke though. You can really buy it, in the UK too.

Start ya bastard

Edited July 5, 2009 by davegtst

[73JPS]

Well, I really think this deserves its own thread, but I am too chickens**t to post it as such, so, with apologies to anyone who might be offended (which honestly I don't think will be anyone on here) try this game out for laughs:

http://www.playfg.com/lust-for-bust-game.html

[ifly]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the

patients were shouting,'13....13.. ..13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks

and looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[wookiecj]

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[ramjet]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had

[mayevora]