LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[andydclements]

LMAO.

[Boots]

LMAO

But the female in me has to tut and say "boys and their toys!" (sigh)

[alan]

Brilliant !

[Boots]

What is the similarity between a train set and womens breasts?

Give up?

Designed for children and played with by men!

[rogerch]

Kinda brings new meaning to Horny, sorry Hornby double O

Roger

[mayevora]

Amazeing calculator for working out your favourate ever Film.

Mine was number 4. Star Wars..... unless I added up wrong!!

It's so amazing how this works.

Try it.

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favourite movie - give it a go it really works...

Pick a number from 1 - 9

multiply it by 3

add 3

then multiply by 3 again

then add those two digits together.

Your film is the one which has the same number. Scroll down.......... this is never wrong :

1. Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Schindler's List

9. Gay Leather Rent Boys 3

10.Saving Private Ryan

Told you - it really works !

[rogerch]

You're right, it is amazing. I haven't seen my favourite.

[molemot]

Sheesh...am I glad it wasn't no. 9!!!!

[Boots]

Which is better Darth Vader doing "Thriller"

Or Darth Vader doing "Hammer Time"???

You decide.

[andydclements]

Sheesh...am I glad it wasn't no. 9!!!!

Why?

Did you not like it when you watched it?

[molemot]

OH....it's real is it? I thought it was merely an idea in the mind of the original compiler of the post...!!

[ramjet]

All fairly valid advice I would have thought...

[andydclements]

PMSL

[Michaelgh]

Today's lesson

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's

face when you tell it tonight..'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[stephenbirdsall]

Not entire unsafe for work, unless you have really stict guidelines....

May not be considered safe for younger audiences....

Other disclaimers????

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I hate waking up in the morning and finding f***ing snow on my car.

[ramjet]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyMelbourne

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

----------------------------

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with

their 8-year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the

street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, Errr

[Sparky]

Went out with the lads last night and had 13 pints of yoghurt. I was absolutely Mullered.

[molemot]

You can't get the wood, you know!

Those old Goon Show lines will never die....

[Sparky]

First prize to John!

[USAndretti42]

You rotten swines!

[molemot]

Neddy..."Quick!! Hide in this wardrobe and pretend to be a suit!!"

Eccles..."Can I be a morning suit....then I can have the afternoon off!!"

Millegan..a unique talent.

[rogerch]

"What's the weather like outside?"

"I don't know, I can't see for all this snow!"

[alan]

Worlds biggest zit popped - dont watch if you are at all squeamish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3jNCBe1VTY

Alan

[Sparky]

That ranks as a video nasty Top 10! I'm hard (it's a SLEG thing), and that had me gagging.

[molemot]

I wonder if that chap survived...back in 1974 I was rock climbing and camping in Cornwall, near Logan's Rock (Logan's Rock Inn, good pub!) and got bitten on the left wrist by some foul Cornish insect. It swelled up into a great yellow wen..rather like the film.. and off I toddled to the Docs. He said "People used to die of that...we'd lance the thing, the poison would go into the bloodstream, dead by the end of the week!". Looking at the video, it was a case of straight in with a disposable scalpel and - WOOPS! - lots of filth came out. In my case, lots of antibiotics and, using very hot compresses, the thing was encourage to burst naturally, which it did, with - shall we say - very productive results. Still here, still got the arm....