LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[pete]

if only

[Roger 912]

My doctor tells me to watch what I eat, so I have bought a ticket for the Epsom Derby.

Fellow has a bit of a problem getting his "old man" to rise to the occasion. Doctors can't help him so he tries a witch doctor. The witch doctor rolls the bones and says some incantations and says to him "You will get the boner of your life but it will only happen once a year when you say 123 to your wife in bed. When you are finished you just say 1234 and all will be back to normal".

 

Chappie goes home and sets the scene. Gets into bed with great expectations, even if it is only for 12 months, and says "123".

 

The wife looks at him and says "What did you say 123 for"

[MarkLarge]

Two guys were on their way to Anfield (Home of Liverpool Football Club)

 

As always they have on their scarves and Red Football Shirts emblazed with their hero's names on.

 

As they are just about to cross over the road opposite the entrance to the gate a funeral cortege comes along.

 

Both men stop, and one of them takes off his Liverpool Scarf and place it on the roof of the hearse as it passes by at a snails pace.

 

The other bloke says to him ''That was a bloody nice gesture mate''.

 

''Least I could do bud, I would have  gone to my wifes funeral to be honest if Liverpool were playing away today''.

[alan]

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after
crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are
about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis
says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I
theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope
they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree
loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe,
wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the
desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage
that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that,
Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close
behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....

"Pepe... Go
back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...
what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....


Ees.....

Ees....



Ees....

Ees...


Ees....




Ees..... a ham bush...."

[ramjet]

So there's this bar and everyone is sitting around when all of a sudden the swingin' doors open and in walks this piece of freeway.

 

The freeway eyes up everyone n the bar, then sidles over to the bar and orders a beer.

 

A bit of time goes past and all of a sudden the swingin' doors open again and in walks a piece of 4 lane highway.

It's tense as the freeway and the highway eye each other up.

Eventually, the highway walks to the other end of the bar and orders a beer.

 

A bit more time goes by and all of a sudden the swingin' doors open again and in walks a piece of 2 lane road.

Everybody ducks for cover as the freeway, highway and the road eye each other up.

It's just like a Mexican standoff.

 

The barman raises his voice in the silence and says he doesn't want any trouble and what would the road like?

 

The road moves to the centre of the bar and orders a whiskey.

 

Anyway after awhile and a few more drinks, the doors to the bar open again. Not suddenly, just gently and in walks this tiny bit of bitumen with a line down the middle.

 

The freeway, highway and the road all jump up and race to the far end of the bar, while everyone else looks on.

 

The little piece of bitumen walks over to the bar and just asks for a water.

 

The barman is a bit puzzled and bemused about all of this and walks down to the end of the bar where the others are all cowering and whispering to each other.

 

He says, "What's going on here? You guys all walk in acting all tough and everything and then this little guy walks and you guys are all shaking in your boots down here? What's the story?"

 

The freeway, in a trembling voice replies,

 

"Be real careful of him mate, he's a real cyclepath!"

[rogerch]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down then
walks out.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very
nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"?

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".



After a short pause.


.or possibly a long pause
 

 

The rabbit said... "Mixing me toasties "

[basalte]

Dave is in on his own watching telly when the good fairy appears .

 

"Tonight is your lucky night. Tell me your dearest wish and I am here to grant it !"

 

Overjoyed, he tells her his wish.

 

"That`s easy. Your wish will be granted at Midnight"

 

The clock strikes midnight. The door creaks.....and a miniature man dressed in a dinner jacket walks on pushing a little grand piano . He sits at the piano, playing classical tunes. Then, as suddenly as he started, the tiny man pushes the piano out of the room and the door shuts behind him. 

 

The Good Fairy appears again. "How did your wish work out ?"

 

"Well it was rubbish ! -this little bloke walks in played a few tunes and left. That was not what I wished for !"

 

"Well yes you did. You wished you had a 12-inch Pianist !" 

[GordonMasson]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

 

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do ...all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates...

[molemot]

Culled from Pprune...

INERTIAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM SIMPLIFIED

We are not sure who the author of the following article is,however we feel that the article is one of the best, clearly defined descriptions of the magic that resides within the aircraft's black boxes...

The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is now the position where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and integrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is a variable constant called "error".

Edited March 22, 2013 by molemot

[Bibs]

 

[ramjet]

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,
"That 'll be us in ten years.

 

 

He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead."

[Bibs]

[oneshot]

Oh how true........

 

Goes back to marking final year dissertations.

[mayevora]

[molemot]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt7FDTpzGvo&

[ramjet]

        "Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned".

        I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,
        however, the ATO sent my Tax Return back!

        I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: "List All
        Dependents"

        So, I replied: 150 000 illegal immigrants, 100
        000 crack heads, 600 000 unemployable people living on
        welfare, 200 000 people in prisons and 120 fools in
        Parliament ..

        Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....

        So I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?""

[ramjet]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Not worth it, soldier on!"

 

 

 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" 
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

 

 

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

[molemot]

 

Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

"Sure," they said, "you’re welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

"I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.



"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save ya a grand here....."

 

 

 

 

A typical Australian ocker/redneck/drover strolls into a chemist and addresses the middle aged male assistant.

“Give me three packets of condoms, please mate”.

“Certainly sir. Do you need a brown paper bag with that?”

“Turn it up cobber. She ain’t that bloody ugly…”

 

 

Three sisters, Anny, Tammy and Fanny share a house. Anny and Tammy go out on a date leaving Fanny in the house alone. They get taken to a wine bar where, looking down one of the blokes says to Tammy, "I never really noticed what large feet you two have".
"Hah, they're nothing compared to our Fanny's" says Tammy, "they're huge".

 

 

A travelling salesman is doing the rounds of the neighbourhood, and knocks on the door of a house. He's a little taken aback to find the door answered by a small boy with a half-smoked cigarette dangling from his lips, a half-drunk bottle of whiskey dangling from one hand, and an obviously the worse for the wear blonde woman in a state of deshabille hanging off the other arm.

Recovering from his initial state of shock at the sight before him, the salesman manages to ask the boy whether his father or mother are home.

"Does it look like it?" answers the boy.

 

[Davin1990]

Lolxx really very funny.  now what about this? 

 

A taxi passenger touched d driver on shouldr 2 ask smthng

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters frm a shop

The driver said:
“Don’t ever do that again, u scared me”

Pasengr apologized n said:
“I didn’t realize a litle touch wud scare u so much”

Driver replied:
“Sory, it’s nt ur fault
its my 1st day as a Cab driver, I’ve been driving a van carying dead bodies for last 25 yrs;-)

[ChrisJ]

After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

‘You know what?’ says the 7 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

‘Oh, shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Coco Pops’.

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know,’ he blubbers, ‘but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops’.

[lrg_machine]

Economic Models Explained With Cows:


SOCIALISM; You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbour has none. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay for the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

GERMAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called cowkimon and market them worldwide.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

SWISS CAPITALISM; You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.

INDIAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CAPITALISM; You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CAPITALISM; Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM; You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

GREEK CAPITALISM; You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut.

[Kimbers]

A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.

Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"

"Yes, Miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
...
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"

Billy puts his hand up and says, "My Dad is in the Police and he's a Constable."

"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell Constable?"

"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."

"OK, Miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"

"My dad works for Ladbrokes, Miss," says little Johnny.

"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"

To which little Johnny replies, "No, Miss, but I'll give you odds of 5/4 that Billy writes 'c**t' in that book."

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order...

The police believe they're still at large.

[rogerch]

       Sorry Kimbers, that was bad.

[ramjet]

The names of four plots that have crashed a plane in China have been released.

 

They are:

 

Sum Tin Wong, Wi Tu Low, Ho Lee Crap and Bang Ding Ow Ow.

[OnAir]

An intern at a California television station was responsible for these names actually being aired. The broadcaster is now being sued by the airline.  The story here.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hSRnNC5s3Jw

Edited July 18, 2013 by OnAir