LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Bibs]

[mayevora]

[ramjet]

A guy goes into a US Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." 

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" 

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." 

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." 

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." 

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" 

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[molemot]

This may have been here before....but it's still apposite. Loved the bit about "Surrealism"...!!

 

 

WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

FEUDALISM

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

SOCIALISM

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn

with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you a glass of milk.

FASCISM

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of

them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM

You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker

about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile,

no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of

starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government

takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it

on the black market.

PERESTROIKA

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes

all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the

"free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the

milk.

BUREAUCRACY

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed

them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then

it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the

drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the

missing cows.

CAPITALISM

You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,

because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

PURE ANARCHY

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your

neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica

lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM

You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling

violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the

moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in

a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the

Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its

parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the

competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and

gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese

cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials,

though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves

it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM

Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on

privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that

destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are

processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever

and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your

artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat,

you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because

there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses

your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally"

on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and

resources are cheap.

BRITISH REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY

Both cows are mad

   

[Kimbers]

[Kimbers]

http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand

 

Jokes for Smart people....apparently. But I got them? 

[calvan]

Many of those rank up there with:

 

There are 10 kind of people in the world - those who can read binary and those who can't

[Bibs]

[oneshot]

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter says "do you not have any lugagge?" and the photon replies.....

 

 

 

..."No I'm travelling light"

 

 

Helium walked into a bar and ordered a pint and the barman says "Sorry we don't serve noble gases in here"

 

The gas didn't react.

[molemot]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/xKy2lLNQYrI?rel=0

[ChrisJ]

 

Especially @ 2:07

[Bibs]

[Kimbers]

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

...

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

[mayevora]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech  equipment.It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage overevery other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first  practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.   

[Kimbers]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

...

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

[Kimbers]

Knock, Knock...

Who's there?
BANG, BANG, BANG BANG.........It's Oscar........

[Bibs]

[Bibs]

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Post by Gill Sweeting.

 

[Bibs]

[molemot]

 

 

Says it all, really.....(!)

[molemot]

The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called by.

HM:" How nice to see you Mr Salmond..."

AS: "Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?"

HM: "No, we don’t like that."

AS:" Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?"

HM: .... (thinks)...." No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a Country...."

[iainskea]

I understood all 20 jokes above, such a geek: in Sparta I'd be thrown of that cliff as a babe

[molemot]

From The Mouths Of Babes



1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.

Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,

wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty,

even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

[johnpwalsh]

For the next scroat who wants to rob your gaff.

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

[pete]

ome of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.
10.