LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Chillidoggy]

35 minutes ago, swindon_alan said:

Brilliant birthday card from my brother and his wife. So, so true!

You only posted that so we'd know it was your birthday!

Happy Birthday, Alan!

[ChrisJ]

Not sure if these have been posted before - someone has gone to a lot of effort

More here: http://prosign.tumblr.com/post/33766157596/someone-has-made-fake-london-underground-signs

 

 

 

[swindon_alan]

On 08/01/2017 at 14:13, ian29gte said:

You only posted that so we'd know it was your birthday!

Happy Birthday, Alan!

Nah Ian, it was just an excuse to show off my birthday present, which I finally got around to assembling today

[Chillidoggy]

Is that a Strat I see in the corner?

[swindon_alan]

Phew, that's a relief, I thought that you were going to make a joke about my parts definitely needing a wash - or is that Sparky's job?

Nah, it's not a real one, a Squire copy. Oh no wait, yes it is a very rare real one and you can have it for the bargain price of £750 (gets busy with the sandpaper)...

[andydclements]

What, it's Sparky's job to wash your parts?

Not saying anything else, too many people may start to feel ill.

[molemot]

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you £10 and some sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about £20 and a bag of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you £50 and all the sweets you can eat...."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.

 

"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Skoda, Dad. You live with it!"

[Chillidoggy]

On 12/01/2017 at 17:10, swindon_alan said:

Phew, that's a relief, I thought that you were going to make a joke about my parts definitely needing a wash - or is that Sparky's job?

Nah, it's not a real one, a Squire copy. Oh no wait, yes it is a very rare real one and you can have it for the bargain price of £750 (gets busy with the sandpaper)...

 

There are some crazy folk who pay huge sums for road worn or relic guitars. Unfortunately for you I'm not one of them!

[molemot]

A Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut." The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"       "Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking...."

[molemot]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.....

[molemot]

A bit rude, this one....That's Para humour.....

 

Culled from Facebook...


"My mate Ray had done "P" Company, been posted to RAF Abingdon, and was taking his first parachute jump...he said "When I got to the door I couldn't jump".

 The huge instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump Ray, you're gonna get this right up your arse.".

I said, "Did you jump?"

 Ray said, 'A bit, when it first went in.....'"

[mayevora]

In Today's News

IN what has been hailed as ‘a miracle’, one Manchester teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet for almost 6 whole hours.

Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through his neighbourhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.

The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.

“David survived without access to any social media or video sharing sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an amazed member of Waterford’s child protection services.

“No GIFs, no memes, and not even any porn. It’s incredible to see him in such good condition, considering what he went through. There’s grown adults who can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers. 

David was not available for interview, with rumours circulating that the poor youngster had lost the ability to speak in anything other than normal English, having not used emojis for so long.

[molemot]

[Kimbers]

 

[Kimbers]

A Blonde collects her little black dress from the dry cleaners and as she walks out of the door the lady on the till says "Come again!"

She looks cross and says "No it was toothpaste this time you nosy bitch!".

[molemot]

My French wife fancied a meal to remind her of home, so she asked me to go and get a bag of snails.
I went down to the pet shop and got a bag of snails. While I was there I saw one of my old friends and he fancied a pint. I thought... "One won't hurt!"


So, 12 pints and 6 hours later I'm walking back to our house and I'm about 20 feet from our door when I trip and spill all the snails on the floor...
At that very moment, the wife swings the door open and shouts "Where the hell have you been?!!"



I thought quickly.... turned to the snails and shouted..... "Come on lads! We're nearly there!"

[Kimbers]

http://southendnewsnetwork.com/news/driver-reveals-one-simple-trick-to-avoid-speeding-fines-and-penalty-points/

Copy Pasted for those who can't click a mouse:

 

A motorist from Southend has revealed the one simple trick that she has been using for the last 10 years that she claims has helped her to avoid speeding tickets and penalty points on her driving licence.

 

32-year-old Melanie Milfridge told our Chief Reporter that she has managed to drive since passing her test in 2006 without being caught for a single motoring offence.

She said: ‘It’s all down to one simple trick really. I don’t break the fucking speed limit.’

‘If I am on a particular stretch of road, a combination of my knowledge of the Highway Code and local signage will usually tell me the maximum speed at which I can take my vehicle in a forward direction without setting off any speed cameras.’

‘By applying this one life hack to my everyday driving habits, I also manage to not kill anyone or run off whinging to the local press when a pothole ruins my wheel tracking.’

We asked Melanie how it is possible to apply this simple trick all the time.

She said: ‘I have a device fitted in my vehicle that gives me a constant readout of the speed at which I am driving forwards.’

‘It even updates itself in real time when I slow down or speed up.’

Legal expert Giles Schnuck of the law practice Schnuck and Chookem told our Chief Reporter that police are not currently investigating ways to close this loophole.

He said: ‘There is a similar quirk of the law when it comes to legislation involving murder in the United Kingdom.’

‘There have been a number of cases in the last twenty years or so where members of the public have managed to wriggle out of life sentences by not bludgeoning anyone to death with a brick.’

‘If more and more motorists apply this one simple trick to their driving habits, it will also  remove the need for middle-aged men holding radar guns in villages under the impression that they are some kind of Speed Rambo or something.’

 

[molemot]

Sorry, Kimbers....this is supposed to be a joke thread, and that's just not funny....(!) Comparing driving quickly to murder is bizarre...

[Kimbers]

Ahh but you see that is humour for you John! it's subjective, as is Irony.

[molemot]

Oh...I see...like American humor, then? "Airplane" and so forth....

[mayevora]

A long read but this has to be the best written Ryan Air Complaint letter ever.

 

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing for the attention of your customer experience team. I am definitely a customer, and believe me, you didn’t fail providing us with an experience.

My wife and I had booked to fly from Stansted on the Thursday 17th April, evening flight to Bratislava. After 2 hours of fun, fun, fun, stuck on the M25 doing 20 mph, we arrived at Stansted check in with just one hour until the flight. Knowing the strict Ryan Air policy on ‘check in closes 40 mins before the flight’ as you are the Low Fare Taxi of The Skies, we went straight to the Ryan Air assistant and explained our plight. She said we were still within the time and all would be fine but we had to make the attendant at check in aware and he would assist from there.

We approached the attendant as instructed and explained. Unfortunately, in the main part, due to him being a child, and forgetting to bring his mother to work, he heard only half of the words before his brain fell apart like a wet cake. He led us to the line for closing gates, advised we should wait and all would be ok. We stood patiently in the line for 20 minutes. We got to the front of the line and the lady, who we shall from this point refer to a Vacant, explained that she had literally just that second closed the flight and we had missed it. We complained that we had done as instructed and she said it was the child’s fault because he should have advised her that we were trying to board a closing flight and that because he hadn’t told her it was therefore our fault we had missed the plane.

Confused by this process of blame apportioning, another check in clerk, who we shall refer to as Not That Bright, tried to blame us for not responding to the last call for the flight as we should have made ourselves known. I argued that the last call had not been made. Not That Bright then questioned Vacant on whether she had done a final call. Vacant did what she does best and looked, well,…… After establishing that the child had not informed Vacant we were here, and Vacant had forgotten to do a last call and that all of this was irreversible, and my fault, Not That Bright and Vacant conferred to agree this was not a problem they wished to deal with and told us to get in a very, very long line of very, very unhappy people at the quite wrongly titled ‘Customer Services Counter’ as it was in fact a Customer Shouting Desk. We complained and requested the attention of a manager.

Out came Colin, a man so angry all his hair had literally fallen out. He was so aggressive I can only assume he had accidentally inserted something sharp into somewhere private and been unable to remove it before he came to work. He was definitely a middle Gimp. I know this as Vacant and Not That Bright were clearly quite scared of him, and he can’t have been a Big Cheese as he was talking directly to customers and we all know from the papers that no-one in Big Cheese management at Ryan Air has ever seen, let alone spoken to an actual customer.

Middle Gimp had clearly listen hard at Ryan Air Middle Gimp school as he managed to take two perfectly calm and sane adults and in a matter of seconds reduce them to angry people considering violence.

‘Check in opens 3 hours before the flight’ he barked repeatedly as if it was the answer to every question in life. We tried to ask Middle Gimp direct questions about why it was necessary for us to miss the flight because the Child had forgotten to do his job, and Vacant had forgotten to do hers.

‘Why is this our fault, and why should we miss the flight because Ryan Air staff have admitted they made errors?.

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Do you acknowledge we have just cause for complaint as we tried to do the right thing and the only reason we are not on the plane is because of communication failures with Ryan Air Staff?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘What colour are my trousers?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Do you think economic sanctions on Russia will diffuse the escalating situation in Ukraine?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Were Man Utd right to fire David Moyes?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘My tinkle is hurting, could you take a look if I promise not to tell anyone?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

Middle Gimp then conferred with Vacant and Not That Bright, and agreed that this was all our fault as we should have noticed that Child had made an error and we should have called the flight ourselves to assist Vacant in doing her job because she was clearly busy being, well,…… Middle Gimp then insisted we go to customer the Customer Shouting Desk, as he was definitely not going to do anything else. This was handy as the queue was very long so that by the time we would reach the front the plane would be half way to Bratislava and the problem would be solved.

We waited patiently in line as customer after customer stood at the desk to hear the same song;

‘No, no, I can’t do that, no, there are no Middle Gimps available, no, no, sorry, no, give me all your money’

We got to the Customer Shouting Desk and explained our plight to the lady there (who was actually very nice and clearly should not be working for Ryan Air as a result). She apologised but explained that Middle Gimp had finished being angry for the day and had returned to his padded cage and there were no other Middle Gimps around. We would have to book in to the flight for the next day and we would have to pay £110 each to change the ticket. When she tried to re-book the flight she said that the flight we had tried to get was actually delayed by 1 hour and still at the air port and that what we should do is run to the gate with all our luggage, she would call through and they would check our bags into the hold at the gate. We ran as fast as we could, which is not very fast because I am fat, to security to do as instructed. Security advised us that because our flight should have left, even though it hadn’t, the ticket machine would not open the barrier for us and we would need to return to the Customer Shouting Desk.

We waited patiently in the very long queue yet again for about 40 minutes to discover the nice lady had also gone home now so we had to explain the whole thing again to a new lady that looked like all the joy had been removed from her life at birth. She recited the Ryan Air customer services song with a sterling level of apathy and dreariness, I am surprised she could muster the will just to breather and stay alive.

‘No, no, I can’t do that, no, there are no Middle Gimps available, no, no, sorry, no, give me all your money’

She recited it with perfection, Middle Gimps across the world would have been in awe and the effectiveness of the techniques taught in Middle Gimp School. Seeing no other option but to hand over all our cash and come back the next morning we happily paid and got new flights.

As the new flight was at 6.25am in the morning we decided to get a hotel, we paid £79 for a room and got a taxi.

So, our customer experience was insightful and liberating. From the incompetent Child with a brain so full of girls and Vauxhall Corsa modifications he couldn’t actually listen or speak, through Vacant and Not That Bright who decided on reflection that anything they did wrong was our fault for not pointing it out to them, right through Middle Gimp who made a Tasmanian Devil look calm and Zen like, and the sad one, oh so sad, having every last drop of life sucked out of her by her chosen career at the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk. I very nearly jumped over the desk just to give her a cuddle and tell her everything would be alright if she could just muster the will to leave the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk and find a more fulfilling job, like starting the very first Israeli pork pie factory, or being a parking attendant in Tower Hamlets, or in fact just resigning herself to a slow and uncomfortable death would have been indistinguishable from the current position and would require much less effort.

The net result of this ‘experience’ was;

New Flights – £220
Hotel £79
Taxi x 2 £50
Worlds most expensive sandwich in the only hotel we could get £35

1 x significant breach of Tort Law (2008 as quoted by Lord Atkin) by Ryan Air, Google it, it’s a cracking read. I will leave you to decide the monetary value of this.

1 x very angry and upset wife, in particular with Middle Gimp for being so unbelievably rude.

1 x Missed wedding reception for our Slovakian family (sorry, forgot to mention this nugget earlier) who all turned up from all over the country to see us for an event we were forced to miss, because Child and Vacant are clueless at best and Middle Gimp has anger management issues.

So, thank you Ryan Air for a comfortable and enjoyable experience. I have watched a program called the news so I fully expect this to land on the desk of the customer services team underneath the empty bottles and sandwich wrappers that you also file there. You treated us badly, you cost us money and made us miss our wedding reception through a display of incompetence I have not seen since Greece was allowed to have money and a cheque book.

I sincerely doubt you will do anything about this, compensate us, apologise, or even respond according to the news, so I have sent this recorded and sign for delivery to absolutely confirm my opinion of Ryan Air and that it is not just ‘lost in the post’

Regards

You bunch of…………….

P.S. Maybe Middle Gimp in particular, but Child, Not That Bright, and Vacant should purchase one of your reasonable priced tickets and go to Slovakia (assuming they were actually allowed on the plane. The Ryan Air employees there are smart, clever, bilingual, helpful, and polite and they should in my opinion experience an example of how they should do their job. The Slovak staff could explain it to them, but they wouldn’t be able to understand it for them, so it may be a waste of time after all.

 

?

 

[molemot]

[Kimbers]

Serves him right for double parking!

[mayevora]

Not sure if this is a scam or not. I've just received a text telling me I've won my choice of £250 or 2 tickets to see an Elvis tribute band.

It says I need to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. ?

[mayevora]

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."