LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Bibs]

[DaveC72]

 

[molemot]

This is a trifle rude, anatomically speaking....(!)

[Alfa2Evora]

[molemot]

[mayevora]

Merry Christmas but please be careful out there an the roads -  Plenty of people are drinking excessively and getting into cars and letting their wives drive. ?‍♂️

[molemot]

A woman gets on to a bus and sits behind two Indian men having a heated argument.

One is saying "It is spelled: w h o o m, whoom."

The other replies "No, no, no, it is spelled: w o o m, woom."

This goes on for a while until the woman leans forward and taps both of them on their shoulders and says, "Excuse me for interrupting gentlemen; but I think the word you are looking for is: w o m b, womb?"

Whereupon one of the Indians draws himself up, looks down at her and says...

"Madam, I doubt you have SEEN many wild elephants; let alone heard one break wind...."

 

 

And a Happy New Year to all....remember not to stand downwind of elephants!!!!

 

 

[100th_Idiot]

After years of medical training and hard work, a Man aged 44, from Anfield, Merseyside, has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet

[molemot]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor.
“Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag.
“Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “But I‘ll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.”
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
“What’s wrong with me ?” asked the little paper bag.
“I‘m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor.
“No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag !” Said the little paper bag.
“Have you been having unprotected sex ?”asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?” asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?” queried the doctor.
“NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well”, said the doctor, “Are you in a Sexual Relationship ?”
“NO ! - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”
“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor...
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Your mother must have been a carrier!”

[Dan E]

Sent from mCount every  "  F  " in the following text:

FINISHED  FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED  WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

Let me know your guesses and I’ll tell you if you’re right..

[Bibs]

6?

[Dan E]

Yes annoyingly. Have you seen that before? My Newphew had the whole family on that one for an hour or so. 

[Bibs]

I'd imagine it's easy to miss the 'of' f's as they're words you glance over.

 

[Dan E]

Apparently so! Thanks for killing that post in under an hour ?

[Bibs]

[Mark Blanchard]

[Mark Blanchard]

A few more:

 

[molemot]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

 

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

 

 

 

Bloke walks up to the counter in the pet shop and quietly asks for a wasp.

“Sorry sir, but we don’t sell wasps here,” says the assistant.

“But you’ve got three in the window!”

[Kimbers]

 

 

Saw this on FB. Some of the comments made me spit my coffee over my computer, they are brutal but I couldn't help laughing:

- He complained to the staff stating that he wasn't happy... To which they replied 'Well which one are you then?'

- He was very upset due to this happening so when they got home his fiancée got him a 6pk of beer and ran him a nice hot sink

- Shrek would be pissed if he found out that Fiona was cheating on him with Lord Farquaad

- The restaurant apologised and gave him a free fruit shoot

- He's punching well above his height.

 

 

[Bibs]

[oilmagnet477]

^^^^ (kimbers Post)

I'm somewhat stunned that he hasn't been suffocated! The boob ratio is off the charts!

[Kimbers]

Seriously.....you HAVE to watch this. I am still crying and its made my day!

 

[pete]

[ChrisJ]

 

[Barrykearley]