LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Kimbers]

 

[theelanman]

I went for a job as a triangle player in a reggae band..............I just stand at de back an' ting

[Barrykearley]

[Barrykearley]

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes! He says ''I'm hungry'' pow... A huge banquet appears! ''He says I want a nice house'' pow... A mansion with a swimming pool appears! ''I want to be British!'' pow... The mansion, the banquet everything vanishes! He asks ''Where's everything gone? The fairy says ''Your British now mate, your entitled to fuck all!''

[molemot]

The RSPCA inspector stopped three youngsters in a home-made billy-cart that was being pulled by a big mongrel-looking dog they'd harnessed to the cart.
The inspector warned them they were risking animal cruelty charges if they continued.
The youngsters chorused enthusiastically, "No way! - Bozo loves pulling the cart! He's happy to do it anytime - and besides, you can see he doesn't look unhappy!
The inspector admitted that the dog did seem to be enjoying himself - but he spotted something else that concerned him.
"O.K., I'll agree that he looks happy enough - but you'll have to take off that big piece of string, that's hanging off his testicles. That could hurt him."
"Ahhh, darn it", says one of the kids, looking crestfallen. "There goes our brakes."

[molemot]

[ChrisJ]

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Mac notebook, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get rewarded for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.

[mayevora]

Who is the most popular singer at the North Pole?

Elf-is Presley ?

(Still my favourite cracker joke lol)

 

[theelanman]

VIAGRA

it wont make you James Bond.......

it could make you Roger Moore

[Barrykearley]

 

[pete]

so have you taken it down Barry

[swindon_alan]

That is so brilliant. As if it really matters? And getting the cops involved?!?!?! Come on, get a f***ing life, bloody bellends...

[Dan E]

It's a mushroom had me falling about 

[Barrykearley]

Last week it said c@nt had me falling about...... reckon his neighbours might be getting on his tits 

[calvan]

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a big, fat bank account and a slender body.

And don't get them mixed up like you did last year.

[Kimbers]

If it's offensive and the Police are called it needs to be taken down. How would you like it if someone stood outside in the street shouting rude words, this is no different in the eyes of the law! this is just something done to antagonise his neighbours and cause issues. There's only one bellend there and its the idiot putting those lights up!

 

Anyway, onwards and upwards

 

[Barrykearley]

Yes and I agree @Kimbers. What I find truely annoying is the poppy burners and hate preachers that utterly boil my p;ss and this is and has been allowed to continue for years !

still the mushroom and dyslexic comment kinda made me smile - much the same way as laughing at Jeremy Kyle 

[Kimbers]

 

[molemot]

Five seconds after this picture was taken the world record for the high jump from a kneeling position was broken...

[Chillidoggy]

Right up my street!

[DaveC72]

How my OH solves her IT issues...

[ChrisJ]

http://bestwall.org.uk/Ladybird Policeman.pdf

 

[swindon_alan]

Brilliant birthday card from my brother and his wife. So, so true!

[Barrykearley]

Happy Birthday @swindon_alan 

 

Old fart 

[swindon_alan]

Thanks Barry. I will have you know that my flatulence always smells pretty fresh to me...