LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Kimbers]

 

[ChrisJ]

 

[mayevora]

New toilet install at Wetherspoons.

 

[Bibs]

[Kimbers]

 

[lotuscar]

Retirement Calculator

 

please download it but you will need excel to run it.

[Kimbers]

Apparantly they weren't happy with what Teenage boys sent in!!

[Bibs]

[pete]

Taken from Facebook page

CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN OLDER LADY. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!!.😂😂😂😂😂

[Bibs]

[Barrykearley]

 

[march]

Well bugger me! (well not literaly) - I was only looking this up 2 days ago as the CAD package I use sometimes has just released an upgrade that amongst other things solves problems within the products turbo Encabulator:

https://www.autodesk.com/products/fusion-360/blog/january-24-2019-product-update-whats-new/

Wikipedia explanation:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turboencabulator

And more importantly Lotus is mentioned in the text - Could this be the origins of the name what with Colin Chapman being a bit of an engineer?

Full Text:

For a number of years now, work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a transmission that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters. Such an instrument is the turbo encabulator.

Now basically the only new principle involved is that instead of power being generated by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes, it is produced by the modial interaction of magneto-reluctance and capacitive diractance.

The original machine had a base plate of pre-famulated amulite surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings were in a direct line with the panametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzlevanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbling was effectively prevented.

The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots of the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a non-reversible tremie pipe to the differential girdle spring on the “up” end of the grammeters.

The turbo-encabulator has now reached a high level of development, and it’s being successfully used in the operation of novertrunnions. Moreover, whenever a forescent skor motion is required, 

[Steve V8]

** BE AWARE **

We ordered a Chinese take away from a local place (I won’t name them ) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving !!
WTF !! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got into the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passengers seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,  I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ..........
And there it was.........

A peeking duck 🤣

[Barrykearley]

[snowrx]

11 hours ago, Barrykearley said:

Just begs a Trump re-write, those jokes just write themselves........

[theelanman]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500." 

[pete]

The man who invented spellcheck has died

May he rust in piss

[Kimbers]

[pete]

Two Moslems in a speedboat have been arrested on Whaley bridge reservoir,police say it looks like the start of Ramadam

[calvan]

And in other news, someone tried to throw a beer at Pres. Trump. It was a draft, so he dodged it easily. 

[pete]

 

[Barrykearley]

[pete]

No but we should

[mayevora]

I don’t have any children starting school today but here is a picture of what my front door looks like if I did.

[mayevora]