LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[KennyN]

CAN THE ADMINS PLEASE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED TO SIGN UP?

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES.  SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 12 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.

I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF.

[mayevora]

[thebartman]

Quarantine Handbook

https://app.spectator.co.uk/2021/01/29/a-handy-guide-to-hotel-quarantine/content.html
 

[williamtherebel]

I was concerned my mate was addicted to drinking brake fluid. He told me he can stop anytime!

[thebartman]

An elderly man living alone in one of the shires wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Sent from my iPhone

[pete]

[williamtherebel]

[pete]

[williamtherebel]

 

[Escape]

[mayevora]

British Weather 👍😊

[mayevora]

[Bibs]

[RobinB5]

If anyone says '1', they need to be sectioned. 

[mg4lotus]

3

[mayevora]

6 hours ago, Bibs said:

2 - but I hate our cars being referred to as Low tie. 🤣

[pete]

[PaulCP]

My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work. I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it.

[DaveC72]

[Mysterae]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

[PaulCP]

I got called for jury service so I asked them how long it would be for ...  they said just a trial period.

[Bibs]

There's a new mirror factory opening where I live, I could see myself working there

 

[Bibs]

[jonwat]

Les Paterson has bought his wife a dog 

 

[C8RKH]

@jonwat - brilliant. Thank you. Really cheered up a shitty morning!  Top job.