LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Bibs]

I took my dear old Mum to the cashpoint the other day. She asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over!

[Ali tuck]

[pete]

[Barrykearley]

Absolutely disgusted that folks are letting off fireworks this early.

It’s its not even Halloween yet ffs

My poor dog is now a shaking wreck hiding under the Christmas tree

 

[andydclements]

Just make sure it doesn't eat the chocolate Easter eggs.

[pete]

2 hours ago, Barrykearley said:

Absolutely disgusted that folks are letting off fireworks this early.

It’s its not even Halloween yet ffs

My poor dog is now a shaking wreck hiding under the Christmas tree

 

It's duvali

[mayevora]

WARNING ...RANT!
For Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.🎄
 

[Escape]

The advantages of having a good vocabulary:

I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was up to.

He replied he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and stainless steel under a highly constrained environment."

At first, I was impressed, then I realized he was just doing the dishes, with hot water and under supervision of his wife. 

[Bibs]

[oilmagnet477]

[Barrykearley]

[Barrykearley]

[USAndretti42]

22 hours ago, oilmagnet477 said:

When I saw the first bit of this, I thought it was something to do with Jeremy Clarkson!

[oilmagnet477]

[pete]

[mayevora]

[jbuenavides]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his shock collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Chillidoggy]

[Mysterae]

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?". I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.

He looked a little perplexed and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "and Tigger?".

[pete]

Dianne Abbott has started a petition to free the Covid 19

[andydclements]

Ah, I though she'd started a petition to free the Covid 2560 with her ability on figures.

[Barrykearley]

[march]

[jep]

Not my typo (off) or my joke:

[mg4lotus]

If you won it you obviously came first. Not your fault if the mrs can't keep up.