LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[Mark Blanchard]

[exeterjeep]

And that looks a lot cleaner than most I have seen.

[Kimbers]

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the live updates on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the Live updates on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Mcginn 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down." Says Kane

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down...

I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[mayevora]

[Barrykearley]

[Mark Blanchard]

[pete]

[mayevora]

[Sparky]

They'll last a lot longer than the vehicle.

[C8RKH]

Certainly will be harder to break and less prone to letting you down.

[Kimbers]

And you won't look like a Footballers wife sitting on the chairs!

[Bling]

[mayevora]

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.

He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"

But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"

But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.

Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"

But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.

He stands over the fallen soldier and says:

"Tankity tank-tank."

[Escape]

From a Jaguar forum 😄

Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

"And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no way, Lord, no way'."

Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness".

Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob..."

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

In the 1980's Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.

Lucas Factory motto, put in a good day's work then home before dark.

Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.

[mayevora]

[jonwat]

[Alfa2Evora]

So… Jennifer saw me ordering more parts for my Evora online. She asked where I got the money for all that. “Dont worry, I been getting some overtime” I said. She said "Don’t be wasting money when we’re trying to finish the house in the near future." 

She then told me that if she catches me doing it again she’s gonna smash my head in to the keyboard. Well, here I am, online buying a few more parts for my Lotus again and clearly I don’t give a shikdhale3kxbaka78pcbf to isnbaiensodien bjsnsjskoaos. S. Si shnf djanala12oxndhs48 oalndid. Siidhdie63636 zhaopfheo slolsbsi91ahdla.?wukdo172zcjdnx edjemdjk

[jonwat]

[williamtherebel]

[Bibs]

[mayevora]

2 hours ago, Bibs said:

Did have to read that 3 times 🤣

[pete]

[C8RKH]

Bloody brilliant!

[jonwat]

Urgent request, please help if you can 😃

[KennyN]