LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[mayevora]

With the changes in the budget I now find my classic to expensive to run, so if anyone wants a 50 year old woman with a  liking for red wine please leave a message  😥

[Sparky]

Interested.  Is there a scrappage scheme?

[exeterjeep]

2 hours ago, mayevora said:

With the changes in the budget I now find my classic to expensive to run, so if anyone wants a 50 year old woman with a  liking for red wine please leave a message  😥

You will have some other upcoming expenses... 2 daughters   2 weddings.....???

[pete]

[Bling]

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your front garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
 

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my gin out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

[pete]

[pete]

[thebartman]

[Mark Blanchard]

[Bibs]

[mayevora]

Just for our American friends - One of these is a stick and the other is a gear lever. 😁

[jonwat]

[Barrykearley]

I actually had to google this. And it’s a real top - representing a team touring OZ. 
I’m stunned and shocked frankly - especially since Mr Rafiq and his exposure as a blatant anti semite

.

[DDubya]

On 19/11/2021 at 22:49, Barrykearley said:

I actually had to google this. And it’s a real top - representing a team touring OZ. 
I’m stunned and shocked frankly - especially since Mr Rafiq and his exposure as a blatant anti semite

.

Barry, whenever the Pakistani team played down in Aus, they were always referred to as the “Paki’s”, even by the TV commentators. 

[march]

Stolen from someone else, you will hopefully get a chuckle out of it.

 

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting........ 'Oh- my- God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[Bibs]

[thebartman]

A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The Bartender asks, "dry" ?

The German replies, "Nein, just one."

[jonwat]

Thought I'd get a dog 🤣

[TAR]

That's just nuts  

[chrisrace]

 

Happy Thanksgiving America! 

[jonwat]

Is this a genuine Banksy?

[jep]

More likely a Wanksy 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gjk]

There was an old man from Crocket 

who went up to space in a rocket

the rocket went bang! His balls went clang!

and his dick ended up in his pocket!

[Gjk]

There was an old lady from Kilbride 

who ate so many apples she died

the apples fermented, inside the lamented 

making cider inside her insides.

 

 

There was an old man from Cosham

who took out his balls to wash ‘em

his wife yelled jack, if you don’t put ‘em back

i’ll stamp on the fuckers and squash ‘em.

[DDubya]

I dined with the duchess of Leigh

she said, do you belch when you pee?

I said no, not a bit

do you fart when you shit?

and I thought that was one up to me.