LEF Jokes & Gags thread

[PaulCP]

But then again @C8RKH, no different to “Yes Minister” which definitely called it right

[mayevora]

[Kimbers]

[Rambo]

[C8RKH]

Get your wife to look down her own top and then at the same time ask her to spell attic.

[C8RKH]

Found out today that marriage is defined by three rings.

The engagement ring

The wedding ring

The suffering

 

Why do women think men are like floor tiles?

Because they think if they lay them right, once, they can walk all over them for life.

[Escape]

I take it your wife isn't reading TLF? 😁

[C8RKH]

Of course not @Escape. She'd really make me suffer! 🤣😂🤣😂🤪

[Kimbers]

[Bibs]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Escape]

Especially that last one! 🤣

Should they put up signs over double beds 'can result in pregnancy', similar to 'hot' on a coffee cup? 🙄

[Bibs]

[C8RKH]

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

 

 

 

Because they've got no balls to scratch 

[C8RKH]

Went to Smyths to buy a Barbie for my nieces birthday.

Sporty Barbie £19.99

Business Barbie £19.99

Dr Barbie £19.99

Nurse Barbie £19.99

Dance Barbie £19.99

Horsey Barbie £19.99

Astro Barbie £19.99

Housewife Barbie £19.99

Divorced Barbie £412.75

Wtf? I asked the assistant, who laughed at me, and said yes, that's right. But Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's House, cars, motorbikes, boat,.......

[C8RKH]

In other news, the sexual position known as "69" will now be referred to as 96.

 

Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has gone up.

 

In other news, scientists have worked out why women live longer than men 

http://www.facebook.com/reel/674556181095206?s=yWDuG2&fs=e

[C8RKH]

Little Herbert and his dad are in the garden 

Herbert jumps on and squahes a honey bee 

That's it, no honey for you for a month 

Herbert stamps his foot and shouts "well, I don't like honey".

A while later daddy finds Herbert pulling the wings off a butterfly 

"That's it, no butter for you for a month"

Herbert stamps his foot and screams "well, I don't like butter"

 

That night Little Herbert and his mum and dad are having dinner. A cockroach 🪳 runs across the floor. Herberts mummy jumps up and squashes it 

 

Herbert, looks at his dad and says "well, are you going to tell her, or should I?"

[yeller77]

@C8RKH 

[C8RKH]

Scientists have finally found the reason for some women losing 95% of their sex drive.

Apparently it's food related and called "wedding cake".

[C8RKH]

What's the difference between iron man, and iron woman?

 

One's a superhero, the others an instruction.

[C8RKH]

My grandson, who is 4, can't say "please" in Spanish.

I told his mother that's poor for 4.

[Chillidoggy]

Slow day?

[pete]

[C8RKH]

Was just trying to raise a smile @Chillidoggy given the doom and gloom predictions and the conspiracy theory that a very small number of very wealthy people are trying to make everyone poor and subserviant through raising interest rates to the point they were at (before they trippled!) when I bought my first house as things were just so easy then....

 

I asked a personal trainer to teach me to do the splits. "how flexible are you?" he said, I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I ordered a chicken, and an egg, from Amazon at the same time. I'll let you know...

 

 

[ChrisJ]

[jep]

That's the gender pay Gap.