Bittersweet Days

[NW76]

Lee, I am lost for words - so sorry for you all... I am sure everyone here in comunity feels with you in those difficult times... 

[CocoPops]

Love is...
Love is running 2 flights downstairs at 3:36am when you hear your wife call help via the baby monitor.
Love is clearing your wife of sick, putting her nightie and sheets into the washing machine at 3:45 when you’ve cleaned her up.
Love is returning to bed at 3:57 knowing you’ve made her comfortable.
Love is knowing your mum is now sleeping on the sofa next to your wife’s hospital bed whilst you return to your warm cosy bed.
Never let it be said that we are not doing everything In our power to make Alex feel loved, supported and cared for in her last days. 😞

[Nathan Pitman]

So sorry to hear what you and your family are facing together. However dark it gets over the next few hours or days, be reassured that the light will return. Look after yourself. 

[CocoPops]

I fear we’re into the last few days.

As well as the extra pain and sickness, urine output is down to near zero over last 14hrs.

I’ve just had to have the very difficult conversation with the girls.

To sit down and tell your wonderful 8yr old princesses that mummy is dying broke my heart. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do so far 😔

[Bibs]

Can't imagine how hard these days are for you mate, really feel for you. 

[BatMobile]

Just seen this topic, I really don’t know what to say other than my thoughts are with you and your family.

The way you have been is amazing, I would like to think I would remain as calm and logical as you have but I somehow doubt it.

whatever the following days bring, your girls are very lucky to call you their dad.

[Kimbers]

Lee, Don't know what to say. We did the same for Wendys Dad just before Christmas and were with him at the end. There's nothing I or anyone can say to make it better right now. Just know that we are thinking of you and are here when you need us. 

[Mark030358]

Hi Lee,

So so sorry to read of this tragedy unfolding in your life. Keep going, stay strong you have been immense.

 

[Stewie177]

Lee

We've never met, but the strength that you, your wife and girls are showing is phenomenal.

I wish you all the best.

[CocoPops]

Another tough day in the Coco household.

Alex is becoming weaker, more and more dosed up on morphine.
Strangely we are seeing glimpses of the original Alex, the loving, caring, humourous Alex that the tumour somewhat robbed us off.

It’s a matter of time now, it’s heartbreaking it really is.
Counting breathing, knowing each one could be last.
Every time it goes shallow, we hold our breath just in case.

Alex hugged the girls before they went to bed, it took immense effort for her to do so, but I’ve no doubt the girls will cherish those cuddles for many years to come.

Not sure what I feel right now.
Angry (at the tumour), cheated (by life), upset(for our girls), happy(knowing she is safe, secure, pain free). It’s a smorgasbord of emotion. I’ve shed tears, free flow at times and laughing at others.

Give your loved ones a hug and for Christ sake, heal those wounds if you have any before it’s too late.
Some of the comments on my Facebook status go to show how loved she is and, luckily, how good we’ve been as a family unit.
https://www.facebook.com/leecripps/posts/10155609442697191 if you want a read...

[Steve V8]

15 minutes ago, CocoPops said:

 Give your loved ones a hug and for Christ sake, heal those wounds if you have any before it’s too late.

We've just read your last few posts together, and done the above for us and for you. Thanks Lee

 

[slewthy]

Best wishes from us Lee.

We dont know you but feel we do. This is a terrible time and there is no easy path through it but you have shown your strength and your girls will draw from it.

Together you will survive and remember the good times alongside the bad, understanding each for what it is.

You have the thoughts of a very large group here with you too. Please try and get some rest yourself.

Si.

[PaulCP]

11 hours ago, CocoPops said:

 

Not sure what I feel right now.
Angry (at the tumour), cheated (by life), upset(for our girls), happy(knowing she is safe, secure, pain free). It’s a smorgasbord of emotion. I’ve shed tears, free flow at times and laughing at others.

Give your loved ones a hug and for Christ sake, heal those wounds if you have any before it’s too late.
 

Feelings that are all perfectly natural and understandable Lee

Sound advice in your last comment. No one knows what life has in store just around the corner for anyone

Make sure you look after yourself as well,, the girls are going to need you more than ever

[Nelly]

Having lost my mum to cancer when I was 18 (and she was 44 which is younger than I am now) I relate to exactly how you feel Lee.

There will be feelings of "why us?", I completely get the relief that her suffering will soon be over, no mater what pain that leaves you with as a family long term.

Unfortunately cancer is brutal in picking its victims.  Don't be afraid to cry, and talk - one thing I did was bottle it up and in hindsight it wasn't a healthy thing to do, but everyone has their own way of dealing with it.   As Paul mentioned in the post above, your priority will be the girls.

We have only met the once, but I am thinking of you at this very difficult time.

[CocoPops]

I’ve agonised A LOT over setting up a GoFundMe page but I’ve had some lovely PMs offering help and I figured people would only offer if they wanted to help.

I don’t have an expectation, I don’t have a target (you have to select one).
The choice is yours, so the option is there.
I hope I’ve done it right, I’ve never set up a GoFundMe page before. I think you can do it anonymously if you don’t want your name attached? I welcome your comments on the content.

Waffling speech over, here’s the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/remembering-mummy

Please don’t feel obliged to visit the page. Your words of support and encouragement are helping me a lot. Equally, if you feel inclined to share the page then I wouldn’t say no, I want everyone to know how important Alex is to our family, especially that the girls know their mummy was loved by many.

[CocoPops]

Again Alex continues to battle on.
Her swallowing mechanism is failing though, so that won’t help her now.

I sat up until 2:30 this morning, then handed over to my mum/sister.
She is never alone in this, she always has someone with her.

The girls went back to school today, I think with a level of trepidation.

[CocoPops]

Another long night, she just woke and was very confused, almost hallucinating about taking girls to school.

Had to sit and calm her by saying it was in hand and that we would have a duvet day. Then proceeded to tell her that we would imagine a holiday to San Francisco. Was a wonderful moment of escapism, explaining what we would do, what we would see.

We were lucky enough to travel to SF before the girls arrived, was her favourite place we travelled together.

Calmed her down, and she’s now exhausted and sleeping.
Breathing is noisy, irregular and a huge effort.

She won’t/can’t give up.
It’s exhausting just watching, being there in case she wakes, point proven earlier etc.

Not much happens on here at 3am

[ramjet]

I just got home from work.  

I think in its own way, what Alex is doing can be turned into a learning for your girls (or in fact, many of us) in respect to 'no matter the odds, just keep fighting.'

[Kimbers]

8 hours ago, CocoPops said:

Not much happens on here at 3am

What you are going through resonates 100% with our experience with Wendy's dad 4 weeks ago. Every time I read it I imagine it being me and Wendy and even now, with the kids all adults, I can't imagine how painful it would be. You are very very strong Lee and like you say, we are all here to offer support , don't forget to hold those girls tight every chance you get. Big Love, The Kimberleys. xx 

[Colin P]

Hi Lee, not posted on this thread before because I honestly don't really know what to say.

My wife went through this as a teenager with her father, a couple of years before we met. I am sharing your posts (and a few extra hugs) with her. Both our thoughts are with you and your family at this awful time. 

[CocoPops]

What a painful night, Alex continues to fight.

We sat up with her right the way through the night. We thought she was leaving us at 1am, 3am and 4am, each time rallying back from the very edge.

It is truly heartbreaking to watch and be so very powerless to act.

What makes it worse, we wouldn’t put a dog or cat through what Alex is suffering with. They cannot give anything other than pain relief, which is dreadful as there truly is no recovery yet we have to wait for her heart to fail 😢 Her heart is only 40 and so very strong hence it doesn’t want to give up just yet.

[mayevora]

You must be so exhausted Lee. Thoughts still with you.

[CocoPops]

10/08/78 - 10/01/19 💔
It is with deepest sadness that I have to share that OUR Alex passed at 12:20 today. She fought so very valiantly against her brain tumour.
Diagnosed in Feb 2014, Alex underwent several brain operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Never giving up, never asking why her.
At the time of diagnosis, Alex set herself several objectives, all of which she achieved.
Alex finished her OU degree with honours.
Alex saw our children go to school, they completed the first 3yrs under her guidance.
Alex saw and celebrated her 40th birthday.
Alex taught us so many things, to laugh, to fight, to love.
We will miss her, but know we are better for having her in our lives.

[Bibs]

Such sad news mate. Peace be with Alex. 

[Dan.G]

Have been watching this thread from afar, very hard to know what to say, my thoughts are with you, I'm sure I speak for the entire forum when I say a hug goes out to you and the twins.

Look after yourself too.