Bob: the bullet that finally got me

[Sparky]

In @Kimbers-esque style, I'm sharing this on a new thread for the edification of youse guys, as we blokes are just rubbish at acknowledging signs and symptoms and dealing with nasty medical stuff.

Anyone acquainted with me will know that I seemed to miss quality control when I was built; I have spent a life fraught with all kinds of medical issues.  I have dodged plenty of bullets, but after 62 years one has finally struck its mark.  It's bowel cancer.  I have seen it with my own eyes, and Tracy & I have named it Bob.

Now for the gory details.  I have had all kinds of random issues since stomach surgery (due to GERD) years ago, so for me it's difficult to pinpoint early symptoms.  But out of the blue about 3 weeks ago I had 3 days of black, tarry stools.  On day 3 I decided it was time to seek advice.  Saw a GP and had an urgent blood test, which showed a dangerous level of anaemia.  That explained the shakes whilst rebuilding carbs and later holding a pint.

After finishing my pint(s) I was admitted to hospital where many tests were performed - gastroscopy, multiple bloods, CT angiogram and something involving a latex glove with just one finger - absolutely nothing found.  I was discharged to outpatients for further tests.  Two days ago I had a particularly difficult colonoscopy, without sedation as I'm a bit of a masochist.  This is because I have a rather unusual colon (typical) that is waaay longer than average and loops around a lot.  After more than one hour - take a moment to think about that - the doc persevered, got through, and found the little bastard: Bob.  to see the thing is actually quite cathartic - I now know my enemy.  It's bleeding, probably has been for some time, so that's the anaemia explained.

Coincidentally I'd returned my sample for the bowel screening programme a few days before all this, and that came back positive too.  So I was offered 2 colonoscopies!  But I'm not that crazy.  Interesting, though, that without other symptoms, that screening test would have caught it.  So, critical to do this test every 2 years if you're the appropriate age!

Multiple biopsies taken, now awaiting urgent CT scan, after which staging will be assessed and a treatment plan discussed.  I'll know more about my fate in maybe 2 weeks.  I hope I can trust the NHS to swing into action.  They've been bloody good so far.

I'm currently feeling pretty good apart from the anaemia, so quite weak and tired.  Tracy's had a hard time, but that will subside a little over the next few days.  I don't do sympathy, thoughts and prayers as they never cured anyone.  Instead, pragmatism, positivity and lots of really bad-taste jokes will always help one through.  I'm a sarcastic bastard and I don't expect anything less from you lot.

I will share this journey with you as I think it might be useful to some.  If not, simply ignore the thread!  This isn't going out on Facebook right now, as my kids don't want their kids to know yet.

Watch out Bob, I'm comin' for ya.

[Chillidoggy]

I hope all this doesn’t mean I’ll have to do my own cam belt change.

[eeyoreish]

That really is sh*t news... 

[tim_marra]

You can colon TLF anytime for support and extraction of the pi$$...

[Sparky]

56 minutes ago, eeyoreish said:

That really is sh*t news... 

Yeah, bloody shit, as a good friend stated.

Tumour humour!

[Bibs]

Bobs a ****. 

I'm a good shot with an air rifle if it'll help? Could snipe him from 20 yards I think. 👍💪

[exeterjeep]

Best wishes, you calling it Bob reminded me of this.

 

[Sparky]

It's about my manservant...

[Al]

Great of you to share this Gary and puts all lives other little aches and pains (Like the SNP) into perspective.  It really brings home the importance of that bowel screening test every 2 years.  I was so pi$$ed off with a mate recently who "poo poo'd" the whole idea and said a waste of time and disgusting to do it.  What he was trying to do is anybody's guess!

Good luck with your arguments with Bob.

[Gjk]

Wow, bit of a bombshell that!

The wise words of an Australian uncle of mine once said:-

rectum’ ! ?…..  it flammin’ destroyed ‘um!

[pete]

I told you not to retire 

[Dave Eds]

You'll drink Bob under the table Gary, only one winner there mate......

[andydclements]

Bloody hell man. Go get the little b***ard that is Bob.

[Bazza 907]

Enough about you, are the nurses fit?

[MPx]

So what dooo you call a drowning man...?

Put that shake to use - get some rattle cans and respray.

👍

 

[Chillidoggy]

6 hours ago, Bazza 907 said:

Enough about you, are the nurses fit?

There’s a nice pair of boys called Julian and Rupert, but it’s difficult to see when your head’s being forced into a pillow.

[Sparky]

As I said to the doc t'other day: keep it up!

[Dan E]

as I said on the text, getting a 30 year old Esprit manifold off or Bob no contest, Bob doesn't stand a chance. You look after yourself Sparkles. x 

[mayevora]

Fuckerty Fuck Fuck! - Feel a proper git after that last picture I made now! 
Don’t think of it as surgery - more of a factory recall for an adjustment and like you say, laughter is the best medicine… unless you have diarrhoea.

Rooting for you and sending a man hug.

[C8RKH]

No, not a factory recall @mayevora as the bloody parts will be on back order again!

Many years ago I was responsible for the IT project that introduced Bowel Screening to Scotland, to this day the software is still in use and all Scottish screening is still done in Dundee. It was a shitty job but I'm immensely proud of my small role in it, which established Scotland at the forefront if cancer screening in the UK. Eventually, England caught up! If you get the test don't be a prick, get it done and sent back.

@sparky my brother in law is called Bob, he lives in Bushey. Feel free to target him too! 😜

All the best with this latest adventure.

[Sparky]

1 hour ago, mayevora said:

Feel a proper git after that last picture I made now! 

Ha, you couldn't offend me if you tried!

 

2 hours ago, Dan E said:

as I said on the text, getting a 30 year old Esprit manifold off or Bob no contest, Bob doesn't stand a chance. You look after yourself Sparkles

 

Thanks, lads, for all the messages!  I will keep laughing right up until something drops me.

Still awaiting that all-important CT appointment...

[C8RKH]

A sense of humour and positive outlook is worth more than prayers or good wishes.

[Bling]

Here is a not very creative joke but one I thought might just put a smile on your face today @Sparky

“Why did the proctologist drive a brown Lotus Esprit? Because he wanted to get to the bottom of things… and maybe hit 60 mph in under 5 seconds!” 😄

[MPx]

[Kimbers]

Arg! And I thought I was special! You just have to copy me don't you! 

Though mine was on my front and involved not only 3 Colonoscopies (also non sedated) but a one down my Japs eye...... So Nyahhhhhh!

In all seriousness, I did tell you to stop shoving things up your arse! it can cause these kinds of issues!